Clicheness
by elvencherry07
Summary: Eureka! I have found the formula for writing the perfect LilyJames fanfic. See inside. LJ SBOC RLOC. Featuring the classic Astronomy Tower scene, the Ball scene, the Bet scene, and much, much more! Now with fulfillment of the Voldemort Quota! DONE!
1. The Very Beginning

Author's Note and Disclaimer: Actually, I think parodies are legal, but since everybody's in character some of the time, I don't own the Harry Potter characters. Oh, and I don't own Dr. Sloth either, luckily. And as a PR disclaimer, I'm not trying to make fun of anyone is particular, I swear. I've read some really really good fics that use some of these plotlines… It's just that everybody uses them and that gets annoying. 

Besides, if you read my masked ball fic, you'll see a whole lot of this junk in there. (Twisted advertising. Kinda like that magician guy- David Blaine?) 

The-Gorgies-Who-Did-Not-Live: The Canned and Condensed Version 

DIRECTOR: Hello, hello, welcome to our show. Today we are featuring the story of Harry Potter's parents- Lily and James Potter! 

LILY: EVANS! EVANS! I don't go for the whole sexist take-the-guy's-last-name thing! MY LAST NAME IS EVANS. 

PETUNIA: That's exactly why I'm changing mine to Dursley. 

DIRECTOR: Petunia, get out of the intro! You don't like us, remember? 

PETUNIA: Oh yeah. 

Petunia leaves 

DIRECTOR: [checks script] By the way, Lily, you DO go for the whole sexist take-the-guy's-last-name thing because _everything_ about Jamsie makes you absolutely _weak_ in the knees, remember? 

JAMES: [does a little dance] Go Jamsie, it's my birthday, we're gonna party like it's my birthday, we're gonna party like it's my birthday cuz we don't give a- 

DIRECTOR: OKAY! Lily, got it? 

LILY: [scowls] Fine. You know, I better be getting BIG bucks for this! 

DIRECTOR: Actually, you don't have to worry about that because you're family's super-rich and even if they weren't, James' dad is always the Minister of Magic. 

JAMES: What? Why didn't anyone tell me that? 

SIRIUS: [bounces in] Everybody knew that! Harold Potter, famous auror, Minister of Magic, very targeted, whatever. What's my part? Huh? Huh? 

DIRECTOR: Terribly sorry Sirius, this isn't one of your absolutely-crazy-and-hilarious-hyper-kid roles. This one is… [Checks script] sensitive? 

SIRIUS: SENSITIVE??? Noooooooo!!!!!!! I can't be sensitive!!!! Being sensitive means [sniffs] having… sense!!! Noooo!!! Please don't do this to me! 

DIRECTOR: [grins evilly] Oh look, there's more. You're also caring, loving, gentle, kind, patient, nice… [Turns page] Oh wait, sorry, I think that was James'. [Turns page again.] Oh, nope, that was Remus'. [Turns a different page] Oh, look at that! They're all the same! Except… [Checks footnote] Oh, you get to be the slutty guy. 

SIRIUS: Does that mean…. DITZY FANGIRLS???? YAY!!!!!!!!! [Runs around the room cackling delightedly.] 

Scene 1: Muggle Neighborhood, inside the Evans home 

An owl swoops inside an open window. A blonde girl shrieks, while a smaller redheaded girl holds out her arm. 

YOUNG LILY: Come here, you adorable thing! Aw, it's so CUTE! 

The owl drops a letter into Lily's hand and leaves. 

YOUNG LILY: [glances at the letter] Mum! It's for me! 

MRS. EVANS: What does it say, dear? 

YOUNG LILY: [Opens the letter] Welcome to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry… What does that mean? 

MRS. EVANS: Oh Lily! You must be a witch! My great-grandmother was a very powerful witch and you must have inherited her power! We must go to Diagon Alley right away! 

YOUNG REMUS: [frowns] Will somebody go look up "muggleborn"? 

YOUNG LILY: Uh, what are you doing here? 

YOUNG REMUS: I'm your neighbor, duh. And now I'm about to tell you all about the wizarding world and become one of your closest friends at Hogwarts. 

YOUNG LILY: Oh. Okay. 

YOUNG PETUNIA: I hate you Lily! That hot guy is your friend! You suck! I'm never speaking to you again! 

YOUNG LILY: [looks shocked] But Petty! We're best friends forever! 

YOUNG PETUNIA: Not anymore! 

YOUNG LILY: Oh no! 

MRS. EVANS: Now Petunia, be nice to your— 

Suddenly, DR.SLOTH appears and blasts Mrs. Evans with his evil ray. Mrs. Evans immediately turns into a MUTANT MRS. EVANS! 

MUTANT MRS. EVANS: [growls] I hate you Lily! I'm jealous because you're prettier than Petunia and me! I hate all things magic! I'm going to slap you and beat you and poison you! 

YOUNG LILY: (rather sarcastically) I'm petrified! 

The Mutant Mrs. Evans goes to slap Lily and misses, due to the fact that she is also an alcoholic. 

MUTANT MRS. EVANS: (weakly) On second thought, maybe I'll get your father to do it. 

YOUNG REMUS: [yawns] Hey Lils, you wanna bust out now or wait a couple years so James can rescue you? 

Scene 2: Diagon Alley 

MR. OLLIVANDER: Here you are, Ms. Evans. Nice, swishy willow, perfect for charm work. I'll also give you this special pet rock that has special powers! 

YOUNG LILY: Why, thank you Mr. Ollivander! I can't wait to use my new wand and my new rock! 

Lily skips out into the sunlight, where she sees a brunette about her age. 

YOUNG LILY: Hello, what's your name? 

YOUNG OC: Hi, I'm OC! Are you a first-year too? 

YOUNG LILY: Why, yes, I am! I'm muggleborn. 

YOUNG OC: Wow, me too! Let's go get some ice cream! 

YOUNG LILY: Okay! 

At the ice cream parlor, they meet a blonde who is also a first year. 

YOUNG OC2: (shyly) Hi guys. 

YOUNG LILY and YOUNG OC: Hi! 

YOUNG LILY: Let's all be best friends forever! 

YOUNG OC and YOUNG OC2: Okay! 

Scene 3: King's Cross Station 

_Mrs. Evans has taken a Normal Mrs. Evans potion and has now reverted to her extraordinarily nice self. The whole family is gathered at the station, looking for Platform Nine and Three-Quarters _

YOUNG LILY: [reading her ticket] Mum, how do we get on the Platform? 

MRS. EVANS: I don't know. 

YOUNG OC: [walks up] Hi Lily! Do you need help getting on the platform? 

YOUNG LILY: Um, yeah. 

MRS. EVANS: Bye sweetheart! I'll see you for the Christmas holiday! 

MR. EVANS: Bye darling! 

YOUNG PETUNIA: Bye freak! 

Lily looks sad for a moment, but is distracted by OC2's arrival. 

They get on the train and miraculously find an empty compartment. A greasy haired boy enters. 

YOUNG SNAPE: Hullo, who're you? 

YOUNG LILY: Hi, my name is Lily Evans. 

YOUNG OC: Hi, my name is OC. 

YOUNG OC2: Hi, I'm OC2. 

YOUNG LILY: Are you a first-year too? 

YOUNG SNAPE: Yes. I already know all of the curriculum. 

YOUNG LILY: Er… that's nice. I don't really know anything because I'm muggleborn- 

YOUNG SNAPE: Oh, you're a—a— 

DIRECTOR: [whispers loudly] MUDBLOOD! 

The compartment door opens, and James and Sirius enter. 

YOUNG JAMES: WHO SAID A BAD WORD??? 

DIRECTOR: [points at Young Snape] It was he! 

YOUNG JAMES: [gasps] You are a BAD person! 

YOUNG SNAPE: Why? 

YOUNG JAMES: Because I said so! 

YOUNG SIRIUS: Because he said so! 

James punches Snape, giving him a bloody nose. The girls gasp and squeal. 

YOUNG JAMES: Look Lily, I saved you! So now you have to kiss my feet! 

YOUNG LILY: No! 

YOUNG JAMES: Yes! 

YOUNG LILY: NO! I'm not your slave! You are a bigheaded insufferable very annoying prat! I'm going to hate you for the rest of my life POTTER! 

Lily stalks out of the compartment. OC and OC2 follow, glaring at the boys. 

Scene Four: Hogwarts 

The train stops and the first years are led to the boats. 

YOUNG JAMES: Look Sirius, Lily is on our boat. Let's play a trick on her! 

YOUNG SIRIUS: Okay! Haha. 

YOUNG REMUS (who doesn't really arrive until later but has magically become friends with them anyway): That's not very nice. 

Peter acts invisible because he really is, at this point. 

James pushes Lily into the lake. 

YOUNG LILY: AHH! It's cold! JAMES POTTER I WILL HATE YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! 

YOUNG SIRIUS: You already said that. 

DIRECTOR: Shh. We're trying to help the skimmers here. 

HAGRID: Here Lily, take my coat. 

YOUNG LILY: Why, thank you! Let's be friends from now on and I'll always visit you! 

HAGRID: Okay! 

They enter the Great Hall. Lily, James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, OC, OC2, and the Ditzy Dorm Girls are sorted into Gryffindor. Snape, Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, Macnair, Avery, Rosier, Lestrange, Bellatrix Black, Narcissa Black, and other assorted Death Eaters who all happen to be in the same year are sorted into Slytherin. Amos Diggory, Ludo Bagman, Gilderoy Lockhart, and the Ditzy Fangirls are sorted into Hufflepuff. An evil girl who is not quite evil enough for Slytherin is sorted into Ravenclaw. 

Dumbledore makes the beginning of the year speech and they all dig in. 


	2. The Real Beginning

Author's note: For a disclaimer, see chapter one. I'm still working with the layout, so bear with me. Thanks for reviewing Bored. Yes, Dr. Sloth from np. Also, thanks to Fiery-eyed-elf, who is very encouraging and generally awesome. 

Erm, yeah, this chapter kinda sucks. But it's inevitable. 

**Scene Five: The Incredibly Annoying Yet Inevitable Train Station Scene**, King's Cross Station, Seventh year because all the characters have gone through puberty and now they're old enough to properly drink, party, and shag. 

_Lily Evans confidently approaches the platform, waving goodbye to her parents. INSERT two-paragraph description of her amazing, flawless beauty and Quidditch-toned body, and of course, her expensive Muggle designer clothing._

LILY: (to herself) Wow, I can't wait for my seventh year! I'm so happy I'm Head Girl this year! I wonder who Head Boy will be? 

OC: [runs up] LILS! I missed you so much!!! Omigosh, you have NO idea how much I missed you, despite the fact that I stayed at your mansion and partied with you every single day! 

OC2: Hi Lily! You've changed so much over the summer! I can't believe your new pin-straight hair or your contacts or your makeup or your magical tan… 

JAMES: [makes a face] Ugh. Mushy girl hugs. 

SIRIUS: You know you'd luuuuuuuv to hug Lilykins!! Cuz she'd be all niiiiiice and sooooooft and- 

DIRECTOR: THIS IS A GIRL BONDING SCENE! James and Sirius, get out! 

James and Sirius leave reluctantly. 

_INSERT two-paragraph description of OC and OC2's ravishing looks and Quidditch-toned bodies, as well as their expensive muggle desginer clothing. Note- length may vary depending on how much the director likes Sirius or Remus at the moment._

DIRECTOR: Okay girls! Line up and tell everyone all about yourselves because I've never heard of a little thing called characterization! 

OC: I'll start! Okay I'm beautiful, bouncy, I have a great sense of humor, I'm a chaser, I have a short attention span, I like food, and I'm afraid of commitment. I have a lot of boyfriends, you know, kinda on and off. And I'm mean when I want to be. And I'm actually a water nymph who can transform into all kinds of messed up animals but my animangi form is a cat. 

OC2: My turn! I'm also beautiful, shy, bookish, really smart but not as smart as Lily because she's the smartest, I'm also a chaser, and I am extremely sensitive and caring and a good listener. I'm a seer except I'm not really aware of that; I just have really weird dreams that freak me out. I'm an earth nymph and my animangi form is a… [whispers to Director] What was it again? Oh, yeah, and my animangi form is a wolf. Oh, and I've liked Remus Lupin since first year. 

LILY: Okay. Hi. [waves] I'm Lily Evans, I'm beautiful as you can see, I'm Head Girl and top of the class except for Transfiguration and Potions, in which James Potter and Severus Snape are, respectively, and I have a horrible temper but I'm really just a very nice girl. I'm the third and last chaser on the Gryffindor team. I absolutely detest James Potter, although in two minutes I'm about to make the consession that he's changed a lot over the summer and has become very hot. I'm actually a fire nymph with lots of powers, aided by my pet rock, and my animangi form is a doe. 

OC2: Wait… since when were we animangi? 

LILY: Well, actually, I'm glad you asked that! Since we said we were! 

DIRECTOR: [checks script] Um, actually, the correct answer is since fifth year because you guys got bored and decided to learn some ridiculously difficult magic just for fun. Oh, and you're all super-close to Remus so you all know he's a werewolf and figured you might be able to help him sometime! 

LILY: (dismissively) Yeah, same difference. 

_The Marauders enter the compartment. James is wearing his Head Boy badge._

LILY: Ew, Potter, you're Head Boy? No way! You weren't even a prefect! 

JAMES: [grins] Well, I'm special because I'm hot. 

_Insert more arguing._

Meanwhile… 

OC: [bats eyelashes] Hi Sirius. 

SIRIUS: [smiles politely] Hi. 

DIRECTOR: CUT! It's not POLITELY. It's SEDUCTIVELY. 

SIRIUS: Well, excuse me, but your Ps look like Ss! 

OC2: [sarcastically] Oh, and I suppose her "olitely"s also look like "eductively"s? 

DIRECTOR: WHOA! CUT CUT! You're an OC! Since when did YOU have a personality? 

There is silence. 

DIRECTOR: Much better. Continuing… Scene Five, Take Two. 

SIRIUS: [smiles SEDUCTIVELY] Hi. 

Director grins. 

OC: [swoons] Wow, you got so hot over the summer! Not like you weren't hot before or anything, but now, I mean, you're just… hotter! 

OC2: Nah, that's too ditzy. 

DIRECTOR: CUT! I TOLD you, you don't get a personality! 

There is silence. 

DIRECTOR: [turns to OC] I do, however, agree with her. That was a little too ditzy. You ARE ditzy, just not that ditzy because then our Ditzy Fangirls and Ditzy Dorm Girls would be out of work. You need to have a bit of a distinction between you and them. 

OC: Like, how? Like, I, like, don't get it! 

REMUS: (who was wisely keeping quiet before) LIKE, CUT THE LIKES! 

OC2: Oh Remus, you know exactly what we need! 

DIRECTOR: (dryly) It's good to know we're all easing into our characters so well. 

SIRIUS: [looks confused] What's your character? 

DIRECTOR: Huh? 

SIRIUS: You said "WE'RE all easing into OUR characters." So who're you? 

DIRECTOR: Good question! I don't know! I'm either OC or OC2, depending on whether I like you or Remus better. And all of my friends are all of your other little Hogwarts friends, whom I didn't bother to include because I can't keep track of that many characters. 

SIRIUS: Oh. [pauses] Are they hot? 

LILY: (exasperated) Is that all you can think about?? 

SIRIUS: Yes. 

DIRECTOR: Yes. 

JAMES: Yes. 

DIRECTOR: No! See, James, YOU'RE supposed to be the sensitive one right now. 

JAMES: [whines] But Remus is the sensitive one! 

DIRECTOR: Yeah, but Lily isn't going to like you until you change from a bigheaded, egotistical prat into a caring guy whose thoughts are NOT always about sex. 

JAMES: Then sucks for Lily! 

LILY: Hey! 

DIRECTOR: But the thing is, YOU LOVE LILY. And you love her so much that you will do ANYTHING to make her love you back. 

LILY: (brightly) Will he do my homework? 

JAMES: First of all, you LIKE doing homework. And second of all, no. 

SIRIUS: Why does James get Lily? Lily's hot! 

DIRECTOR: But you get OC. 

SIRIUS: But Lily's hotter. 

DIRECTOR: [sighs] Fine, I'll made some edits for you. What kind of changes do you want in OC? 

SIRIUS: Can you make her chest bigger? 

OC: Ew, you are, like, such a perv! [smiles] But it's okay, I love you anyway. 

DIRECTOR: [sighs again] Okay, you know what? We're not getting anywhere. 

REMUS: Glad you finally figured that out. 

DIRECTOR: [rounds on Remus] Watch your mouth, you! I can kill your parents and your non-existent twin brother Romulus if I want to! And I can kill OC2, who is the love of your life. 

REMUS: But you have to kill her anyway because she obviously doesn't appear in the Harry Potter books. 

DIRECTOR: Actually, I could just ship her off to Tasmania and have her come back later because you haven't died yet. But that's beside the point. I can make YOU kill her during the full moon and then you'll feel guilty forever and ever and ever. 

REMUS: Okay. Shutting up now. 

JAMES: [waves his hand in the air] The wha books? Did you say Harry Potter? You know, I've always liked the name Harry. And my middle name is Harold and my dad's name is Harold too! 

LILY: Yeah, I like that name too. If we ever have kids, let's name them Harry! 

DIRECTOR: (solemnly) And thus we have solved the mystery of why Harry's name is Harry. 

LILY: Wait… what if it's a girl? 

JAMES: Harrieta? 

SIRIUS: Did you know I would've been named Siriusettaninanie? 

JAMES: Having met your parents, I don't doubt that. 

DIRECTOR: [scans the script] What else do we have? Let's see… more arguing, more flirting, some evil glances and dark glares and suspicious disappearances from Peter… 

JAMES: [looks around] Peter? Where? Who's Peter? 

Peter glares darkly. 

DIRECTOR: [checks script] No Peter, you're supposed to be in one of the Slytherin compartments right now, happily discussing death eater business with Lucius Malfoy. 

PETER: Oh, okay. [leaves] 

SIRIUS: What about the Ditzy Fangirls? I WANT MY DITZY FANGIRLS! 

DIRECTOR: [rubs temples] I'll fit them in tomorrow. And you can have one to shag tonight. 

SIRIUS: Yay! [skips off] 

JAMES: Hey, what about Snivellus? 

DIRECTOR: You're not supposed to bother him this year, because you've changed. 

JAMES: WHAT? No Snivellus???? Can't we do just ONE tutu scene? Please?? 

DIRECTOR: Oh, fine. One tutu scene tomorrow morning at breakfast. Now can we PLEASE proceed to Hogwarts? 


	3. All Talk

Scene Six: Girl Talk, Hogwarts, after the feast, Seventh year girls' dorm.  
  
LILY: [looks around] Hey, what happened to the feast?  
  
DIRECTOR: [shrugs] I got bored. It's the same thing every frikin' year.  
  
OC: Where are the ditzy dorm girls?  
  
DIRECTOR: Oh yeah... I'll get them. [to OC and OC2] Now girls, please pay attention and DO NOT act like these... erm... incredibly intelligent, focused human beings.  
  
Ditzy Dorm Girls enter.  
  
DDG1: Oh my gosh, did you, like, see Sirius Black at the like, feast today? He was looking sooooooooooo hot.  
  
LILY: [annoyed] Actually, no, I didn't because SOMEBODY decided to cut the feast!  
  
DIRECTOR: Not like you missed anything. He was shoveling food in his mouth the entire time.  
  
DDG2: Yeah, but he, like, needs all that food to nurture his bulging muscles!  
  
DIRECTOR: Okay, now she sounds like Petunia.  
  
LILY: Well, Petunia is ditzy.  
  
DDG3: Oooh, and did you see James Potter? I can't believe he got Head Boy!  
  
LILY: Me neither.  
  
DDG4: Well, you know, he totally deserves the position! I mean, he's just so hot!  
  
DDG5: I know exactly what you mean.  
  
LILY: [pokes director] Exactly how many of these are there?  
  
DIRECTOR: [checks script] Erm... I don't know... I forgot to set a limit... Oh well, let's just leave it at five. Any more and your dorm room'll explode. Well, not like it matters to you, since you have your own Head Room. By the way, where is that?  
  
LILY: [smiles archly] Sorry. Confidential Head infor ation.  
  
DIRECTOR: [rolls eyes] Right. Just let me know so I can get the shagging scenes, okay?  
  
DDG3: Oooh! Shagging?? Who?  
  
DIRECTOR: Never mind.  
  
Ditzy Dorm Girls magically disappear in order to make room for girl talk.  
  
LILY: Wait! Wait! Since when was our dorm HUGE and sky blue with sparkles all over the place and comfy furniture and glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling?  
  
DIRECTOR: Uh, duh. You, OC, and OC2 are all really good witches, remember? Plus, you used all your special nymph powers to transform the room and Dumbledore helps because he absolutely LOVES the little Gryffindors.  
  
LILY: Oh. Okay. Let the girl talk begin, then.  
  
OC: So Lily, are you glad to be back?  
  
LILY: Of course I am! You know, Petunia's just such a bee [slaps arm] itch! Howarts is like my second home. [nods] So, what about you guys? Are you glad?  
  
OC2: Well, I guess so. Not like I have anything to compare it too. The director hasn't decided whether my parents are abusive or dead yet.  
  
DIRECTOR: Sure, blame it on the director, why don't ya. Actually, I think I like almost dead.  
  
OC: Like, how can someone be, like, almost dead?  
  
REMUS: [appearing in a puff of smoke] LIKE, CUT THE LIKES ALREADY!!!  
  
DIRECTOR: Thank you Remus.  
  
Remus disappears in the puff of smoke.  
  
LILY: Do you mean they're ghosts?  
  
OC2: No, I mean they're going to die later this year. Probably sometime before Christmas, because we all have to spend our holiday here.  
  
LILY: So you KNOW that and you're so CALM about it?  
  
DIRECTOR: Well, they could be abusive too. And then she wouldn't really be very sorry, would she?  
  
LILY: But!! But! They're her parents!!!  
  
DIRECTOR: [wags finger at Lily] Lily, you're going to have to lose that attitude. Especially since your parents are dying next month.  
  
LILY: WHAT? How could you??  
  
DIRECTOR: Easily. Do me a favor, and act surprised, okay?  
  
LILY: BUT I LIKE MY PARENTS! Well, despite the fact that I know almost nothing about them except that my mother's name is Rose and they're both very nice.  
  
The Director glances at her watch, which now reads "GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!"  
  
DIRECTOR: Oops, we gotta go! Cut to the boy's dorm!  
  
Scene Seven: After the feast, Seventh Year Boys' Dorm  
  
SIRIUS: [dreamily] Mmmm yummy feast...  
  
JAMES: [grumpily] What feast?  
  
DIRECTOR: DO NOT START THAT AGAIN!!  
  
PETER: [pokes head into door] Where am I supposed to be again?  
  
DIRECTOR: [checks script] Death Eater meeting in the Dungeons.  
  
PETER: [withdraws head] Okay.  
  
REMUS: Hey, where's Peter?  
  
JAMES: [gives Remus a funny look] Who cares?  
  
REMUS: [exasperated] Well, that's what it says in my script!  
  
JAMES: [more exasperated] Well, that's what it says in mine too!  
  
REMUS: Ohhhh. Okay.  
  
SIRIUS: Hey, wasn't Remus supposed to be the smart one?  
  
The Director shrugs.  
  
REMUS: Okay, now Sirius, you're supposed to change the subject because none of us are allowed to investigate concerning Peter's whereabouts, since he's currently giving the Death Eaters crucial information about us.  
  
SIRIUS: [blank look] Change the subject to what?  
  
James leans over Sirius' shoulder and points to a spot on the script.  
  
SIRIUS: Oh! Okay! [reads slowly, sounding out the words] So. Did. You. Guys. See. Any. Hot. Girls. Toerag. [Squints] Oops, I mean today?  
  
JAMES: Hell yeah. Did you see Evans?  
  
REMUS: Yeah, you so obviously love her.  
  
JAMES: [snorts] As if, I just think she'd be a great shag.  
  
SIRIUS: [laughs] You can't get Evans to shag you! She hates you! And she's a VIRGIN.  
  
LILY: [appears in a puff of smoke] HOW THE HECK DID YOU KNOW THAT?  
  
DIRECTOR: Lily darling, if you're not a whore, you're a virgin. It's automatic.  
  
LILY: Oh. [disappears]  
  
JAMES: Yes I can!  
  
SIRIUS: [confused look] Yes you can what?  
  
JAMES: Get Evans to shag me. Give it... two weeks, tops.  
  
SIRIUS: Yeah right! I'll bet you two million galleons that you can't!  
  
DIRECTOR: WHOA! CUT! CUT! Wrong track! This isn't a bet fic. This is a "James has changed drastically over the summer and is now really nice and we're all just waiting for Lily to come to her sense and fall in love with him," fic.  
  
SIRIUS: [whines] Why isn't it a bet fic? Those are SO much more interesting!  
  
DIRECTOR: A. Because then James still has to fall for Lily and that takes too long. B. Because then Lily has to find out and get all mad at James. And C. BECAUSE I SAID SO.  
  
REMUS: [brightly] So I don't have to be all ethical and warn James and Sirius about the consequences of their actions?  
  
DIRECTOR: No.  
  
Remus does a very happy dance around the room.  
  
Sirius joins in.  
  
The Director stops them.  
  
DIRECTOR: Scene Seven, Take two!  
  
JAMES: So what about you Moony? Have anyone special in mind?  
  
REMUS: [blushing profusely] Actually, there is this one girl...  
  
SIRIUS: Ooh!! Ooh!! Who??  
  
Remus mutters something under his breath.  
  
SIRIUS: [aghast] WHAT?? YOU LIKE MOANING MYRTLE??  
  
The Director gags.  
  
Sirius falls off the bed and onto the floor, where he rolls around, laughing hysterically.  
  
REMUS: [sighs] No! I like OC2.  
  
JAMES: [In a girly voice] Aww, that's so sweet!  
  
SIRIUS: (who has managed to stop laughing) She's not very hot.  
  
DIRECTOR: She is too!  
  
SIRIUS: Is not!  
  
DIRECTOR: Is too!  
  
SIRIUS: IS NOT!  
  
DIRECTOR: IS TOO!  
  
SIRIUS: IS NOT IS NOT IS NOT!!!  
  
DIRECTOR: IS TOO IS TOO IS TOO!!!  
  
The Director quickly comes to her senses and puts a silencing charm on Sirius.  
  
DIRECTOR: Anyway, it doesn't matter, because Remus likes her for her personality. Or lack thereof.  
  
REMUS: [looking confused] Ooookay. But she is hot, right?  
  
A/N: Sigh. Men. 


	4. The Tutu Scene and Its Repercussions

A/N: For the disclaimer, see chapter 1. Hey, sorry it took a while to post (I have maybe the first six chapters typed up), but I'm grounded AGAIN... Gr. Anyways, thanks for reviews.

**tenshinoreika999**: Did I spell that right? I hope so... If not, sorry.

**Elle**: Lol, here's your astronomy tower! The poor thing... what a reputation it has! I'll get back to you on the Remus thing- I feel hypocritical making fun of OCs because I'm working on one... Oh well. I always like the Remus/Tonks ship anyway.

**roguemagic13**

**fiery-eyed-elf**: Good job on your fic! Are you planning on posting a sequel?

Scene Seven: **THE LONG-AWAITED TUTU SCENE!** Hogwarts, Great Hall, Breakfast 

_The camera zooms in on the Gyffindor table, where James, Peter, Remus, and Sirius are huddled together, looking suspicious._

DIRECTOR: Wait! Lily, OC, and OC2, get over there. You're helping. 

LILY: But… but… we'll get detention! 

DIRECTOR: [scoffs] And you care because? 

OC2: I refuse to aid in such lowly rule breaking! 

DIRECTOR: [whispers to Lily] What has _she_ got up her arse? 

LILY: [shrugs] A toothbrush, I think. 

DIRECTOR: [sighs and turns to OC2] Guess what. I changed my mind. The "We-hate-the-Marauders-club" thing is boring. Can we change it to "The fifth, sixth, and seventh Marauders" thing? 

OC: Wait… [stares at her open hand] What happened to the numbers before five? Like, the first… um…. three? 

_All stare in disbelief._

_Ditzy Fangirls appear in puffs of pink, cucumber-melon scented smoke._

_Sirius smiles._

DF1: Like, wow, you're like, even stupider than I am! 

DF2: Yeah, like DUH. Everyone knows Q comes before five. 

DF3: Like, what is Sirius, like, doing with an airhead like _her_?

REMUS: Whoa, she actually used "like" in the correct place.

JAMES: (solemnly) Must've been a typo. 

SIRIUS: (to the DF3) Um, actually- 

DF4: [Cuts him off] Don't worry Siri-poo, it's not _your _fault! You're allowed to have bad judgment once in a while. 

PETER: Can we get on with the tutu? 

JAMES: [gives Peter a weird look] Aren't you supposed to be twitching in guilt over harming a fellow death eater? 

PETER: I don't know. Is Snape evil and does he want to rape Lily? 

LILY: (indignantly) EXCUSE me? 

DIRECTOR: No, he's perfectely harmless. Just stupid. 

PETER: Oh, okay. In that case, no. 

_Introductory music plays._

SIRIUS: And here's your host- Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaames Pottttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttter! 

_James, who has somehow snuck out or something, re-enters._

JAMES: And now, ladies and gents— 

DIRECTOR: And Peter [snickers] 

JAMES: And Professor M. 

_A far off cry of "DETENTION, POTTER!" is audible._

SIRIUS: And furballs and dust bunnies and suits of armor and crayons and rubber bands and cowboy hats and purple lollipops and lumps of wax and jellybeans— 

JAMES: (good-naturedly ignoring him) May I now present… SNIVELLUS THE DANCING, TUTU-WEARING, PIMPIN' SLYTHERIN! 

_Snape sticks his (greasy) head into the entrance to the Great Hall._

SNAPE: (angrily) Excuse me! We had a deal! My stage name is SEVERUS THE ALL-MIGHTY, SUPER-STRONG, VERY BUFF, AND EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE SLIMEBALL! It says so in my contract. 

JAMES: [pulls out contract and reads it] Oh, sorry. [Turns back to the students] What he said. 

_More music plays. Severus Snape enters in a short tutu and a leotard. He does a little dance, much to the delight of all the students._

SNAPE: [curtsies and trots away] Remember Potter, that's TOAD SKIN AND DRAGON EYEBALL in my sparkling water! 

JAMES: Yeah, yeah. 

DUMBLEDORE: [walks over] Well done, Mr. Potter. An amazing use of the incredibely illegal Imperious Charm, among other things. 

REMUS: (borededly (is that a word?)) Just give us detention already. 

DUMBLEDORE: Yeah, yeah. Do you want dangerous scary detention in which Death Eaters show up, funny detention in which everyone ends up in the hospital wing, or romantic detention? 

DIRECTOR: Romantic detention. It's about time. 

OC2: [clutches throat] Not… the… raging…hormones! [faints] 

_All stare at her crumpled body. The Director throws Remus a pointed look._

REMUS: [sighs loudly] Do I HAVE to? 

SIRIUS: (matter-of-factly) Do you want action? 

_Remus groans and picks up OC2._

REMUS: (sarcastically) Wow! I am so surprised at her incredible lightness, as well as her incredible beauty! I feel as if I am holding an angel in my arms! I must get her to the hospital wing as quickly as possible because I am so worried about her well-being! Oh no, what shall I do! 

SIRIUS: (sobbing) Amazing Moony, just amazing. I'm so touched. [blows nose in James' sleeve] 

_Remus exits, hopefully in pursuit of the hospital wing._

DUMBLEDORE: (solemnly) I have made my decision. Sirius, Remus, and Peter will have detention tonight cleaning cauldrons for the evil potions professor, whoever he is. James and Lily, you will be filing papers for Professor Flitwick. 

LILY: What? Why do I have detention? I didn't do anything! 

JAMES: (smugly) That's what they all say. 

DIRECTOR: Because it's ROMANTIC detention. Duh. It's not like you have to do any work anyway. Professor Flitwick likes you. 

OC1: (interestedly) Oooh, are you sleeping with him? 

Scene Eight: **Romantic Detention (Gone Wrong, As Usual)**, Charms Classroom, that night. 

LILY: [flips idly through papers] Merlin, these people are stupid. 

JAMES: [peers over her shoulder] Hey, that's my paper!

LILY: No it's not. You never handed in your paper because your unicorn ate it.

JAMES: Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Parchment is kinda tough. Poor Horny had indigestion for two days 

DIRECTOR: [taps her foot] Can we get on with it? 

JAMES: [takes a deep breath and turns to Lily] Hi Lily. 

LILY: [looks at him strangely] Hullo. 

JAMES: Um, I know you think I'm a horrible person and I deserve to burn at the stake, not that that would hurt me anyway, but I've completely turned around and I love you. 

LILY: [reads off the script] Oh James, the one whose hair shines like the rising sun—wait… [squints at James] Since when was the rising sun black? 

DIRECTOR: Eclipse. 

LILY: Oh! Okay. [Scans her lines] Yada yada… blah blah… okay, I love you too. 

JAMES: (hopefully) Okay, can we snog now? 

LILY: (angrily) You horrible person! You just want to get me into your pants! 

JAMES: I'm not wearing pants. I'm wearing robes. 

  
DIRECTOR: (bug-eyed) So what are you wearing under your robes? 

JAMES: A kilt! [pulls out bagpipes from Merlin-knows-where] 

LILY: Okay, now you're just weird. [checks script] I will be stalking off in a fit of fury now! 

JAMES: [waves] Okay, bye! Don't forget, you owe Sirius furry stickers and we have a Head meeting tomorrow! 

_Lily leaves. James returns to his bagpipes._

Scene Nine: **Head Meeting (Also Gone Wrong)**, Astronomy Tower, Quite Late at Night 

_Lily enters and looks around. The tower is completely bare, except for the Director and James, who is holding a closet somewhat behind his back._

LILY: Why is the Head meeting here? 

DIRECTOR: Because A. stuff always happens at Head meetings and B. stuff always happens at the astronomy tower and C. WE ARE ON A SCHEDULE HERE! 

LILY: [takes out notebook] Then we'd better get started. What do we have to plan? 

DIRECTOR: Oh, I already did that for you. Halloween Ball, Christmas Ball, Illegal New Year's Ball, Valentine's Day Ball, Leap Year Ball— 

JAMES: It's not a leap year. 

DIRECTOR: Don't interrupt! Spring Ball, Easter Ball, Lily's Birthday Ball, Flower Ball, Beginning-of-May Ball, End-of-May Ball, Masked Ball, Snog Ball, Graduation Ball… and I think that's all. (Hey! That rhymed!) 

LILY: So now what do _we_ do? 

JAMES: [pulls out the closet] This is where I come in! We're doing the Astronomy Tower part! 

LILY: [eyes the closet] What is that? 

JAMES: My equipment. 

_Sirius magically appears in a puff of smoke and snickers._

JAMES: [gives Sirius a disgusted look] Oh, grow up. And stop interrupting my moment! 

_Sirius disappears again, still snickering._

_James opens the closet doors and pulls out a large picnic basket, as well as a rumpled sheet, which he spreads on the floor._

LILY: [stares at the sheet] What is that? 

JAMES: It's our picnic blanket! You know, nighttime romantic picnic at the astronomy tower? 

LILY: It has naked women printed all over it. 

JAMES: (sheepishly) Yeah, it's Sirius'. His sheets are cleaner than mine. 

LILY and DIRECTOR: Um, EW! 

JAMES: (thoughtfully) That was ditzy. 

DIRECTOR: Where the hell is the props manager? [goes off to find the props manager] 

_Lily conjures up an armchair and sits down._

LILY: Okay, whatever, let's eat and get this over with, I have an appointment with Amos Diggory in two hours. 

_James opens the picnic basket, revealing its contents, which consist entirely of firewhiskey bottles._

LILY: JAMES HAROLD-BECAUSE-APPARENTLY-THAT-IS-HOW-HARRY-GOT-HIS-NAME POTTER! Are you trying to get me drunk so that I'll snog you and maybe shag you and then yell at you in the morning? Or so you get to carry me off to bed and change my clothes and be gentlemanly about it? 

JAMES: Is that a trick question? 

LILY: [jumps off the armchair] I can't believe this! Actually, I can because you're a jerk-off, but whatever! 

_Lily, once again, flounces out._

JAMES: [pulls his bagpipes from the closet] Wait! I still have to do my serenade scene! 

_The Director reappears and observes the situation._

DIRECTOR: When I find that props manager… 

A/N: Sorry Sev. But you honestly don't look _that_ ridiculous... I should've added Malfoy too. Oh well. Maybe he'll go evil and corner Lily or something. Review!


	5. Bets and Deals

A/N: Disclaimer: see chapter 1. I forget who reviewed, if anyone did. Just finished reading some L/J and was filled with rage anew. Ho hum.

Scene Ten: **The Other People**, A Very Small Broom Closet, Even Later At Night. 

_Amos Diggory is waiting in a very small broom closet, in complete darkness. Outside in the hallway, the Evil Girl is walking slowly, wearing a very slutty outfit. (Actually, it's very similar to Lily's outfit, but when Lily wears it, it's seductive, not slutty.) The Evil Girl eyes the broom closet door and opens it. _

_Amos grabs the Evil Girl and they start snogging. _

_Lily comes down the hall, checking a piece of purple parchment she is holding. _

LILY: (innocently) Why on earth does Amos want me to meet him in a broom closet? What would we do in there? 

DIRECTOR: Gee, I wonder! 

FILCH: (from the other end of the hallway) Nooo!! Not the broom closet!!! That's my favorite broom closet!!! Professor, make them leave my lovely broom closet alone!! 

DUMBLEDORE: [appears in a puff of smoke] Terribly sorry Argus. Plot development, you know. 

_Filch leaves, sobbing, and Dumbledore disappears again. _

_Lily opens the door of the broom closet to reveal Amos and the Evil Girl locked in their passionate embrace. _

LILY: (shocked) Amos! How could you? You're snogging somebody who isn't me! 

AMOS: (dumbfounded) Huh? [stares at the Evil Girl] Hey, you're not Lily! 

EVIL GIRL: [stares at Amos] You're not James! 

LILY: JAMES?!? Where did JAMES come into this?? 

JAMES: [runs up breathlessly] She seduced me! I swear! She gave me a potion that rendered me helpless and completely devoid of judgment! She put the Imperious Curse on me! She drank the Polyjuice potion and pretended to be you! She dressed up in a bunny suit!!! 

DIRECTOR: I suggest you hire a lawyer. 

LILY: [glares at Amos] You know what? We're OVER! 

AMOS: Uh, I don't remember being together in the first place. 

DIRECTOR: [shrugs] Sorry, scheduling problems. I think we're supposed to film that part in a month or so.

_Lily stalks away._

JAMES: [turns to the Director] Can I go comfort her now? 

DIRECTOR: Break up with the Evil Girl first. 

JAMES: (Breathlessly) Sorry can't shag you, have to go hook up with Lily, not that you care anyway, might cheat with you later, bye! 

_James runs down the hallway after Lily. _

EVIL GIRL: (seductively) So Amos, how do you feel about bunnies? 

Scene Eleven: ** The Bet**, Seventh-Year Boys' Dorm, the Next Day or Something Like That. 

_James is sitting on his bed, polishing his bagpipes and his broom. Sirius is bouncing on another bed, probably Peter's_. 

SIRIUS: HEY JAMSIE! 

JAMES: What? 

SIRIUS: Oh Jamesie, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, HEY JAMSIE! 

JAMES: WHAT? 

SIRIUS: I'm bored. Let's make a bet. 

JAMES: Okay. I bet you half a knut you can't stop bouncing on the bed. 

SIRIUS: [stops bouncing] Ha! I won! Pay up! 

JAMES: [hands Sirius half a knut and mutters to himself] A small price to pay… (Directly to Sirius) Are you happy now? 

SIRIUS: Uh… no, I don't think so. [Squints at his script] We're supposed to make a bet about Lily. 

JAMES: [Looks up quickly] Lily radar going off! You said "Lily!" 

SIRIUS: I bet you five galleons that you can't get Lily to sleep with you by the next ball, whenever that is. 

DIRECTOR: (annoyed) Did you say five galleons? 

SIRIUS: (sheepishly) That's all I have. Stawberry dungboms are expensive. 

DIRECTOR: FIVE GALLEONS? 

SIRIUS: FINE! ROB ME OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME! FIVE GALLEONS AND HALF A KNUT! 

DIRECTOR: Okay. 

JAMES: Wait. Why are we making a bet anyway? 

SIRIUS: [shakes head] Cute, but not too bright. 

DIRECTOR: Because then you can woo Lily and she'll fall in love with you and you can fall in love back and then she can find out about the bet and get mad at you and then she can hurt you and forgive you and then you two can get married and shag. The end. 

SIRIUS: (with rapt attention) Do they live happily ever after? 

DIRECTOR: (guiltily) Um… maybe? 

_There is a moment of silence. _

JAMES: Hey Sirius, I'll give you the other half of the knut if you take the blame for this whole thing. 

Scene Twelve: ** The Deal**, Gryffindor Common Room, A Few Minutes Later.

_Lily is sitting in an armchair by the fire, sulking. James comes down and proceeds to plop into her lap. _

LILY: (in a muffled tone) Ow! Potter! What do you think you're doing? You're HEAVY! 

JAMES: (complacently) Well, muscle is heavier than fat. 

LILY: Get OFF me! 

_Lily pushes James off her lap. He lands in the fire. _

_James steps out of the fire. _

JAMES: Really Ev- Lily, that was uncalled for. 

LILY: (curiously) Why didn't the fire hurt you? 

JAMES: Oh, you know, special powers. Telekinesis, ESP, wandless magic, nature spirits, vampireness, etc., something in there has to do with fire. 

LILY: (in a completely understanding way because she, too, has all these powers and much, much more) Oh. Okay. So what do you want? 

JAMES: [pauses] Good question… Oh! I remember! [clears his throat and puffs out his chest] Lily Evans, I am here to seduce you. 

DIRECTOR: (sarcastically) How very subtle. 

LILY: (suspiciously) Why are you trying to seduce me? 

JAMES: Because I have a bet with Sirius about sleeping with you and making you fall in love with me and dumping you and breaking your heart. 

_Lily, at a loss for words, begins to rapidly turn purple. _

JAMES: [calls up the staircase] Oy! Sirius! Now would be a good time to earn your you-know-what by doing the you-know-what! 

_There is a loud crash as Sirius slides down the banister and crashes into a porcelain cat in the common room. _

SIRIUS: [reads off a small scrap of purple parchment] Lily, I just wanted to tell you that I forced James into the bet and it was entirely my fault. James is really madly in love with you and he wants to hold you in his arms for ee… ee… ee… 

DIRECTOR: Eternity. 

SIRIUS: Yeah, that. Anyway, could you please forgive him because you know you love him anyway and if you break off the bet I get to keep my money plus the half knut I just earned? 

LILY: I am going to practice selective listening and say that was sweet. 

SIRIUS: Why, thank you. 

JAMES: (indignantly) Excuse me? I wrote it! I want the credit! 

LILY: [sticks her fingers in her ears] Selective listening, selective listening, selective listening… 

JAMES: So… now what? 

LILY: [pulls out her own sheet of purple parchment] James, darling, I need to discuss something with you. 

_James looks up attentively. _

LILY: You see, there's this guy that I have a huge crush on. I really, really want him to notice me. 

SIRIUS: [catcalls loudly] Oooh! Who? Tell me! Tell me! Please? I promise I won't tell! That time with McGonagall and the marker was an accident, I swear! 

DIRECTOR: (annoyed) Go away Sirius. Go snog or something. 

_Sirius leaves. _

LILY: So anyway, I was wondering if you could pose as my boyfriend, to, you know, make him jealous. 

JAMES: (jealously and sadly) Who is this perfect guy who has stolen your precious heart? 

LILY: Actually, he's you. 

JAMES: What? 

DIRECTOR: (defensively) It's the budget, okay? We had casting problems. 

JAMES: (to Lily) So let me get this straight. I'm pretending to like you and you're pretending to like me in order to make me like you because you like me. 

LILY: Basically. 

JAMES: (hopefully) So you like me? 

LILY: [stands up] You know what? You're an IMMATURE SHALLOW PRICK! I don't want you for a boyfriend anymore! [stalks away] Ow! Shin splints! 

JAMES: [looks pleadingly at the Director] Now what do I do? 

_Sirius bounces back into the room, covered with lipstick in LOTS of places. (AN: *smiles*)_

SIRIUS: You have a party! 

A/N: Party's coming up (obviously)... Shin splints really do hurt... 


	6. Fluffy Angst

A/N: This section's a bit long, I think. Sorry if you hate scrolling down and down and down (I definitely do), but I couldn't quite figure out a way to split this up. And about that disclaimer, I'm not Shakespeare. Actually, some people don't think Shakespeare was actually Shakespeare, so I guess it doesn't matter anyway. And Shakespeare doesn't have a copyright. I don't think. If he does, it's probably expired. Shutting up now.

Thanks:

**fallen816angel**: Lol, I love L/J fics too, I was just really annoyed when I posted that last chapter... But L/J is so much more interesting than Harry... don't you think?

**Cynthia: **:looks around guiltily: Erm, well, see... about that 70's thing... I could tell you that this whole fic is making fun of the use of twenty-first century language in L/J fics through the excessive use of twenty-first century language... but that would be a lie... Sorry, but I have no idea how people in the 70s (much less people in England in the 70s) talked and dressed, so even if I wrote something serious (sirius!) I probably wouldn't make it authentic for the time period. If it makes you happy, there's a "dude" in here... or was that the sixties? Oh, and there is a completely coincidental mention of the whole time period thing in here too... Which is really really awesome because I wrote this way before reading your review (before I posted chapter five, even)!

Also, today we bring you this very important message:

WARNING: Suicide, Rape, and Unplanned Pregnancy are not funny things. However, they are also not dramatic and angsty things that magically create a damsel in distress, and therefore do not make very good plot devices (unless in the hands of truly awesome authors). The end.

Scene Thirteen: **The Party**, Gryffindor Common Room, Very Late at Night.

_Lily, OC, and OC2 are clustering in a corner of the crowded common room. _

OC: [Reads off her script] Wow Lily, I, like, love your outfit!

OC2: (dryly) Or lack of outfit.

LILY: Erm, what's my outfit again?

OC: [shrugs] I dunno.

DIRECTOR: Depends on whether I'm punk or prep.

OC2: So which is it?

DIRECTOR: [shrugs] I'm leaning toward preppy. I'm not good with punk bands.

_A wave of sparkles descends upon the party. Lily, OC, and OC2 find themselves wearing matching strapless dresses in red, blue, and silver._

LILY: Let's go girls!

OC: Um, like where?

OC2: [Yawns] Dance or drink?

DIRECTOR: Drink.

_They head over to the punch table, which is obviously spiked (the punch, not the table). Lily has a few glasses._

LILY: [Giggles drunkenly] Can I go dance now?

DIRECTOR: Yeah, sure. Go dance with James.

_Lily and James dance, INSERT description of all the little sexual feelings, blah blah._

LILY: (in a slurred tone) Hey Jamsie, let's go shag!

JAMES: Why does everyone call me Jamsie?

DIRECTOR: [shrugs] If you want we can change it to Jamie.

_James does not answer, as he has been attacked by Lily. Lily body-binds James and sends him into her Head bedroom._

JAMES: Mmph! Mmph! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

Scene Fourteen: **The Morning After**, Lily's room, in the morning (obviously)

_Lily and James are lying on Lily's bed, entwined and all that. James awakens first and watches the sleeping Lily lovingly._

_James pokes Lily._

Lily continues to sleep.

James pokes Lily again.

Lily snores a bit.

James pokes Lily a third time.

Lily snores a bit more.

James begins to poke Lily rapidly and repeatedly.

Lily is finally roused.

LILY: WHAT?

JAMES: I want eggs and sausage for breakfast.

LILY: (with deliberate control) And I suppose you want me to make them for you?

JAMES: [checks his script] No, I'm just telling you. And you're supposed to get mad at me because you don't like eggs and sausage

LILY: Well, I don't.

JAMES: Well, I do.

_The Director hurries over and whispers frantically in Lily's ear. An enlightened expression appears on Lily's face._

LILY: [turns to James] WELL I DON'T! AND I'M NOT GOING TO SLEEP WITH ANYBODY WHO LIKES EGGS AND SAUSAGE BECAUSE EGGS AND SAUSAGE ARE ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING!

JAMES: Would you like them here or there? Would you like them anywhere?

LILY: (angrily) You think you're so funny, but you're killing all those poor little cows for YOUR STUPID BREAKFAST!

JAMES: Uh… Lily? Eggs and sausage don't come from cows.

LILY: SEE? Now you're trying to make fun of me! You're insulting my intelligence! You're hurting my feelings! I hate you!

_Lily, who is still naked, runs out of the room sobbing. James watches appreciatively._

JAMES: (to the Director) Er… eggs and sausage?

DIRECTOR: (matter-of-factly) Well, you needed to have an argument. And I couldn't find the Evil Girl or the Ditzy Fangirls this early in the morning.

JAMES: You know, I don't actually like eggs and sausage.

DIRECTOR: Okay.

Scene Fifteen: **The Pregnancy**, Girls' bathroom, a few days later.

_Lily is sitting on the bathroom floor, sobbing loudly with a muggle pregnancy test in her hand. (Were those even around during the seventies/ eighties?) OC and OC2 are just outside the door._

OC: Should we, like, go in and comfort her or something?

OC2: How about I do the comforting and you get in a fight with her?

OC: Why?

OC2: Because I'm the nice, soothing one and you're the one she fights with.

OC: Oh, FINE! [Yells through the bathroom door] Lily, if you don't, like, open this door, like, right now you will, like, lose our friendship!

LILY: (with a sob) So it be!

_OC2 gives OC a thumbs up, and OC leaves._

_OC2 goes into the bathroom and hugs Lily._

OC2: (sympathetically) Aw, Lils, what's worng?

LILY: I'm pre.. pre...pre...

OC2: Premenstrual?

LILY: (sheepishly) Kinda the opposite, actually. I'm pregnant.

OC2: Yeah, I figured.

LILY: (sarcastically) Thanks.

OC2: So who's the father?

LILY: I dunno.

OC2: What?

DIRECTOR: What?

_James appears in a puff of smoke. _

JAMES: WHAT? 

OC2: [screams] Ahhhh! Boy in the girls' bathroom! [faints] 

_Remus appears in a puff of smoke._

REMUS: Not again! 

_The Director smiles sweetly at Remus._

_Remus reluctantly scoops up OC2 and leaves for the hospital wing._

JAMES: [Turns to Lily] So Lily, about this father thing... 

LILY: (Calmly) Probably rape. That would certainly account for my current intense depression and angst. 

JAMES: That's terrible! Is there anything I can do?  
  
LILY: Wait until after the next scene. [winks] Don't call us, we'll call you. 

JAMES: Was that foreshadowing? 

Scene Sixteen: **The Suicide Attempt**, that afternoon, the Astronomy Tower. 

_Lily is staring out the window of the tower, alone and deep in thought. The Director enters rather noisily._

DIRECTOR: Okay Lily, are you ready? 

LILY: Uh, I guess. 

DIRECTOR: Do you have everything on your checklist? 

LILY: [Takes a list (on purple parchment, of course) out of her robe pocket and scans it] Let's see... Knife, check; tears, check; photos, check; privacy, check; suicide notes left in dorms, check; permit, check... What else? 

DIRECTOR: Parachute? 

LILY: Oh yeah. Check. 

DIRECTOR: Okay, now remember, this is a very precise operation. You have to hit the ground too quickly for James to find out and catch you or throw up a cushion, but slow enough to avoid actually killing yourself. Hence the parachute. The impact must be hard enough to kill the baby and throw you into a coma. Blood and broken bones are also great for dramatic effects. Got it? 

LILY: [Waves her hand in the air] I have a question! Why do I have to slit my wrists AND jump? It's a horrible waste of energy. Not to mention blood. I'm type O negative you know, and it's awfully hard to find a donor for that. 

DIRECTOR: [Shrugs] More drama? Giving James another chance to save you? Besides, I don't think wizards really care about blood types. And you have to admit it'd be rather interesting if the blood came down a few seconds behind you. 

LILY: Er... Okay. 

DIRECTOR: Okay! Jumpers on your mark... get set... go! 

_Lily slits her wrists and jumps out of the Astronomy Tower, activating her parachute just before she crashes into the ground below._

_James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, OC, and OC2 come running and stare at her crumpled body._

_Peter holds up a sign that reads "9.2."_

OC: [waves a purple piece of parchment around] So everyone got the suicide notes, right?

_Everyone nods._

JAMES: [stares at his note] Do you reckon they want us to feel guilty or something?

Scene Seventeen: **The Short-Lived Quidditch Game**, the Next Morning, the Quidditch Field (obviously)

_The Gryffindor team is in the air, facing the Slytherin team. James is the seeker, Someone Wood is the keeper (unless he happens to be in Ravenclaw), Remus and Sirius are beaters, and OC and OC2 are chasers. Lily is still in a coma, but they are progressing satisfactorily without her, due to their awesome Quidditch skills. Peter is rooting on the Slytherin side, but no one takes note of this, despite the fact that he is waving around a giant foam snake. The Slytherin team is composed to various deatheaters and Someone Flint._

PETER: Go Lucius! You rock my socks!

REMUS: [flies by OC] Hey, aren't we supposed to be vigilantly watching Lily in her comatose state and crying and feeling sorry for her?

OC2: The Director promised this would be a really short scene.

REMUS: But-

_With a loud crack, a bludger sent by Lucius Malfoy hits James in the ribs. He falls off his expensive broom and crashes to the ground. Chaos ensues._

OC2: (smugly) Told you so.

Scene Eighteen: **The Hospital Wing**, Not Very Much Later in the Morning, the Hospital Wing (Again, obviously).

_Lily is lying motionless on a hospital bed, with quite a few broken bones and bandages. Several house-elves on exercise bikes are powering a respirator and some other machines (which are there to heighten the drama)._

_James is lying on a bed nearby, with a fewer number of broken bones and bandages. He too, is conked out._

_The Director, Remus, Sirius, OC, and OC2 are sitting around and waiting for them to awaken, sipping cocktails. Peter is off somewhere getting his Dark Mark or something like that._

OC: (to the Director) Uh, how are Lily and James supposed to be, like, nice to each other and, like, worry about each other if they're both, like, unconscious?

SIRIUS: (brightly) So _that's _why it's so quiet in here!

DIRECTOR: Well, we had to squeeze them both in here while we could. The Oliver Wood/Katie Bell shippers have it booked for the next few months.

REMUS: The who?

DIRECTOR: Never mind. [Mutters disparagingly under her breath about Sean Biggerstaff.]

_The screen goes black and little white words that read "Five minutes later," flash across._

SIRIUS: Moony? I'm bored.

REMUS: Okay.

_The screen goes black again and little white words that say "Five More Minutes Later," flash across._

SIRIUS: I'm REALLY bored.

REMUS: Okay.

_The screen goes blank again... and, well, the reader is expected to follow the precedent._

SIRIUS: Can we go do the Whomping Willow Incident?

REMUS: No.

SIRIUS: Why not?

REMUS: Because A. It's not full moon, B. That was last year, and C. James can't exactly save him in his current state..

JAMES: [opens his eyes] Save who?

DIRECTOR: Save WHOM.

_James is about to reply when he sees Lily._

JAMES: Dude! What happened to _her_?

SIRIUS: Uh, you know, that's Lily Evans, she had a fight with you, she took a long walk off the narrow Astronomy Tower?

JAMES: Huh?

REMUS: (suspiciously) Does he have amnesia or something?

DIRECTOR: Just a second. [Chases out Oliver Wood/Katie Bell shippers.] Alright, he should be okay now.

JAMES: I'm not okay! The love of my life is in a coma!

DIRECTOR: Duh, she'll wake up eventually. That's how the story goes.

JAMES: So... who's baby is it anyway?

DIRECTOR: [shrugs] The baby's dead. Who cares?

OC2: YOU KILLED THE BABY?

DIRECTOR: Um, yeah. What am I supposed to do, make a sequel that's all "Harry has a mysterious older sister who falls in love with Ron or Draco"?

OC: Awww! I want one!

DIRECTOR: [looks confused] A sequel? [pauses] I might be able to arrange that. Something about being a godmother and frozen in a time warp for a couple decades?

OC: No! I want a baby!

_Sirius, who fears commitment, edges away._

_Madame Pomfrey comes in with a dreamless sleep potion._

MADAME POMFREY: Mr. Potter! You need your rest! Drink this!

_Madame Pomfrey, who is still very young and not as experienced as in her later days, leaves the room without personally witnessing administration of the potion._

_James shakily gets out of his bed and approaches Lily's._

JAMES: O my love! My wife!

SIRIUS: What?

DIRECTOR: Future wife. Whatever.

JAMES: Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath

Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty.

Thou art not conquered; beauty's ensign yet

Is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks,

And death's pale flag is not advancèd there.

SIRIUS: That's 'cos she's not dead, dumbass.

DIRECTOR: Neither was Juliet.

JAMES: [skims the script] Doesn't apply, yada yada... Okay, here.

Ah, dear Lily,

Why art thou yet so fair? Shall I believe

That unsubstantial death is amorous,

And that the lean abhorrèd monster keeps

Thee here in the dark to be his paramour?

SIRIUS: What's a paramour?

DIRECTOR: Nothing very nice. Use context clues. And stop interrupting.

JAMES: For fear of that, I still will stay with thee,

And never from this palace of dim night

HOUSE ELF (BIBBY): [squeaks] Oh no! Does Master think the Hospital Wing is too dark, sir? Should Blippy add more candles, sir? Would sir like some green torches, perhaps? Oh, Bibby is sorry, sir!

_The Hospital Wing immediately blazes with a heavenly light. All shield their eyes._

JAMES: [dons a pair of sunglasses] Depart again. Here, here will I remain

With worms that are thy chambermaids.

BIBBY: Oh no! Is there worms in the Hospital Wing, sir? Bibby must find Mister Filch!

DIRECTOR: [throws Bibby out (kindly, in complete accordance with the by-laws of SPEW)] Sorry James. Carry on.

JAMES: Oh, here

Will I set up my everlasting rest,

And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars

From this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last!

Arms, take your last embrace! And lips, O you

The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss

A dateless bargain to engrossing death!

Come, bitter conduct, come unsavory guide!

Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on

The dashing rocks thy seasick weary bark.

Here's to my love! [Drinks the poison... er... potion] O true apothecary!

Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.

_James collapses into a dreamless sleep._

_Sirius and Remus pick up James and toss him back onto his own bed._

SIRIUS: (huffily) What a drama queen.

**Review! And what are your greatest grievances concerning Christmas?**


	7. Fate Struts Around Nakedly

WARNING: This chapter contains excessive cursing and some drug abuse. Sorry. Do you think this should be rated R?

Thank yous:

**Chris: **Lol yeah you're right, Remus either announces or just sits on the sidelines with Lily when she's not playing... I dunno, Remus is supposed to be perfect and sweet (minus the lycanthropy, however you spell it) and therefore very committed... And there's more Ollie-bashing in here...

**fallen816angel**: I didn't get obsessed until book 5 either (there wasn't really a lot before then)- I LOVED the pensieve chapter. And due to unfortunate circumstances they didn't quite get to go home for break, but the present did (sort of) have a lily! Wait for the next chapter...

**Quack Quack 88**: Hehe, cute "review"! I could barely read it... And thanks for your present ideas! I totally stole them =) I actually was also going to put in the secret admirer thing too, but then I forgot. (Christmas is in the next chapter... I think...)

**roguemagic 13**

**TheSiriusSparrow**: Thanks for the idea! Death eater attack is definitely forthcoming!

**Summer Rain of '89**

Scene Nineteen: **The Great Foreshadowing**, Seventh Year Girls' Dorm, the Middle of the Night

_The seventh year girls and a stray, bullied first-year whom they have befriended are sleeping quite peacefully in their beds. Suddenly, OC screams loudly._

OC: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! A BUG!

DIRECTOR: Not the bug! The DREAM.

OC: But that's OC2's department. I don't do freaky prophecy dreams.

DIRECTOR: Oh yeah. Sorry, I got that confused with your teleporting abilities. Well, I'm guessing OC2 is up anyway.

OC2: (blearily) Wha? What's going on?

DIRECTOR: [Quickly hands OC2 an ecstasy pill] Take this.

_OC2, who apparently does not realize that it is very bad policy to accept unmarked pills (especially hallucinogens) from strangers and evil Directors, takes it._

DIRECTOR: (to Lily and OC) If anyone asks, she's talking in her sleep.

LILY: Er... okay, we'll keep that in mind.

_The boys, having been roused by OC's scream, come running into the room._

JAMES: What happened? Are you guys okay? Did you know that all the windows blew?

DIRECTOR: How did you get up here?

JAMES: [shrugs] Dunno.

REMUS: Obviously we, being extremely clever Marauders, figured out a way to get up the staircase.

_There is a moment of silence._

DIRECTOR: (expectantly) And?

SIRIUS: (sheepishly) We haven't quite figured out the way that we figured out yet.

_Suddenly, OC2 starts talking. Her eyes are still closed._

OC2: Hi Lily! [waves to a spot on the wall] Oh, hi James! What are you two doing here?

LILY: Erm...

OC2: Oh, EW! I didn't need a demonstration, you could've just TOLD me!

JAMES: Huh?

OC: She's [glances at the script] having a, like, dream and, like, talking in her sleep. Yeah, that's it.

ALL: Ohh!

OC2: Who's this? Awww, it's a baby!

PETER: (with interest) The dead one?

OC2: No, a new one. He's so cute! And he looks just like James!

PETER: Damn. Master's screwed.

OC2: Oh dear! Look! Here comes a flashy green light... And there's that creepy guy who hangs out with Peter!

_Peter twitches._

OC2: And now he's taking out his wand... Hm, now James fell asleep all of a sudden...

DIRECTOR: I hate to burst your bubble, but I think he's dead.

SIRIUS: [sighs] Just like Sleeping Beauty!

REMUS: Um, Padfoot? Sleeping Beauty didn't die.

SIRIUS: (matter-of-factly) In the death eater version she did.

OC2: Oh, okay. Wow, what did this guy _do _to himself? His voice is _way _unnaturally high. Oh look, now Lily feel asleep too! And there's lots and lots of green light...

_OC2 "wakes up" with a rather bad hangover._

OC2: Ugh... gargh... can't... move...

SIRIUS: So now what do we do?

DIRECTOR: Pretend the dream freaked her out and comfort her? [gives Remus a Look]

REMUS: [quickly changes the subject] So, does anyone know why it's green? The light, I mean? Is green just the evilest color?

JAMES: Well, green _is _a Slytherin color.

LILY: But so is silver.

OC: Actually, I think it's, like, black. Not silver.

OC2: (who has miraculously recovered, due to a huge amount of hangover potion the girls keep around) Maybe it's just really dark silver.

PETER: But really dark silver is still glittery.

JAMES: Well, it could be glittery black.

PETER: No, because then it would be silver because it would be glittery.

LILY: So maybe that creepy guy chose green because he can't get his wand to be glittery.

PETER: THE DARK LORD CAN DO ANYTHING! [twiches] I mean, uh, yeah, maybe...

Scene Twenty: **The Time-Turner**, Gryffindor common room, the next morning.

_The common room is pretty empty, because, of course, none of the other students actually exist. There are some Ditzy Dorm Girls around, but they are of little importance. Remus and OC2 are "studying" in the library, Peter is "studying" in the dungeons, and Sirius and OC are plain old snogging in a corner because they don't study. Lily and James are also "studying" by the fire._

_The Director approaches Lily and James._

DIRECTOR: [holds out a hula hoop with an hourglass on the end] Here you go, get in this.

LILY: What the heck is that?

DIRECTOR: A time-turner. A really special one that has settings, because I wasn't about to flip my wrist 24 x 365 x 20 times, whatever that is. And that's only without the leap years.

JAMES: (with a suspicious look) I thought time-turners came with chains.

DIRECTOR: Yeah, funny story about that... did you know rabbits are actually quite capable of digesting metal? Well, it wasn't long enough anyway. The chain, I mean.

LILY: Aren't time-turners illegal?

DIRECTOR: [shrugs] Peter has connections. That reminds me. [Takes out disinfectant and sprays the entire thing] (under her breath) Ew, Malfoy germs.

JAMES: So, uh, where exactly are we going?

DIRECTOR: Into the future. To give you _more _clues about your impending doom, not like it helps anyway. And so Hermione can fall in love with Remus and Ginny can fall in love with Sirius. Only that's not going to happen because Sirius and Remus aren't invited.

JAMES: Erm... why not?

DIRECTOR: Because they might possibly run into their future selves and become horribly discouraged at their own oldness and jump off the Astronomy Tower. (to herself) They really should start charging rent for that place.

LILY: (proudly) So you're taking _us _because you know we're well adjusted enough to face our future selves and retain our sanity!

DIRECTOR: No, I'm taking you because you don't _have _future selves, which makes _my_ job a lot easier.

LILY: Oh.

DIRECTOR: (brightly) So, let's go!

_Just as they step into the hoop, Ditzy Dorm Girl 1 runs over and joins them._

DDG1: Like, what is this? What does it, like, do? Are you, like, having a, like, powwow?

JAMES: Uh, you might not want to do that...

DIRECTOR: Oh well. Too late.

_There is a blinding flash of glittery black light and the four find themselves in the Gryffindor common room again, only twenty years later._

_Everyone stares._

JAMES: Dude! Who _are _all these people?

DIRECTOR: [shrugs] Probably the children of all your friends and acquaintances.

LILY: I don't have any friends. I'm such a dorky loser! [Bursts into tears]

JAMES: What are we, going all angsty now?

DIRECTOR: I thought we already finished all the angst. [flips ahead a few pages in the script] Oh dear, maybe not.

_Dumbledore, twenty years older, runs in._

DUMBLEDORE: Nooooooooo! Quick everyone, turn around and close your eyes! You did NOT just see four strange people appear in the middle of the room!

_Everybody complies._

_Dumbledore hastily conjures a Japanese screen around James, Lily, the Ditzy Dorn Girl, the Director, and himself._

DUMBLEDORE: (loudly) Okay! You can look now!

RON: (in a muffled voice from offstage) I see them! Wow, Dumbledore really sucks at hide and seek.

HERMOINE: (also from offstage) Don't be stupid Ron, obviously the Headmaster is conducting a very important business meeting.

HARRY: (in a muffled voice from offstage) Probably some stupid fucking plan about stupid fucking Voldemort that nobody wants to tell stupid fucking old me about, never mind that I'm going to end up getting almost stupid fucking killed again.

JAMES: Somebody needs to wash out that stupid fucking kid's mouth.

DUMBLEDORE: Ahem.

JAMES: Sorry Professor.

DUMBLEDORE: No problem. I just went temporarily deaf and didn't hear any of that. [blinks] So what am I supposed to do with you again?

DIRECTOR: [doubtfully] Well, you _could _disguise them and make them transfer students from America... but the truth will come out anyway.

DUMBLEDORE: [nods sagely] It always does. And when it does, it shall come with fireworks and possibly homemade bombs in cases with nails sticking out of them. Should I just save myself the bother?

DIRECTOR: Yeah.

LILY: [points at the Ditzy Dorm Girl] What about _her_?

DUMBLEDORE: [shrugs] I supposed we could just keep her in this time period. Ginny Weasley could always use another annoying roommate.

DDG: Like WOW! The guys in the twenty-first century are even hotter than in the last one! OLLIE!!!! [runs away]

DIRECTOR: (bemused) I thought Oliver graduated.

DUMBLEDORE: Mr. Wood is currently in the Hospital Wing.

DIRECTOR: Oh yeah... [glares darkly in the general direction of the Hospital Wing]

_The head of Sirius (twenty years older) appears in the fireplace._

SIRIUS: (in a singsong voice) How much Wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck Wood?

_The Ministry rushes in._

_Amos Diggory, twenty years older, blows a fanfare on a trumpet._

AMOS: CHARGE!

_Sirius' head disappears._

LILY: (to the Director) Who was that?

DIRECTOR: Er... Sirius.

LILY: No way! You can't be serious!

JAMES: EW! He's OLD! And he looks funny with long hair.

HARRY: At least he's alive. Unlike some certain stupid fucking people.

JAMES: [looks at Harry suspiciously] Who are you?

DIRECTOR: [nudges Harry] You're supposed to look shocked.

_Harry looks shocked._

DIRECTOR: Lily and James, meet Harry, your son. Harry, meet Lily and James.

LILY: (disdainfully) That's my son? Ew, he's ugly!

JAMES: He looks like me!

LILY: Exactly!

HARRY: But I have Lily's eyes.

LILY: (grudgingly) Yeah, I suppose you do. [Gives Harry an annoyed look] Why can't you comb your hair or something?

JAMES: [clears his throat loudly] So Harry, how's life?

HARRY: Besides stupid fucking Voldemort and stupid fucking OCs who want me and stupid fucking Cho and Draco who don't, great.

JAMES: Didya do IT yet?

LILY: JAMES!

JAMES: LILY!

LILY: What?

JAMES: You're hot!

LILY: You're a prick!

HARRY: (disgusted) You're all so immature!

_Ron and Hermoine come across the room._

RON: (catching sight of everybody) Hey look, Mione! It's Harry's evil twin! [waves] Hi Harry's evil twin!

JAMES: (indignantly) I'm the good twin!

_Lily coughs very loudly._

HERMOINE: (snootily) Honestly Ron, that's not Harry's other self. That's Harry's father, fresh from a time twenty years earlier through the use of a very illegal time-turner.

RON: (snidely) Oh what, is that in _Hogwarts, A History _or something?

HERMOINE: (equally snidely) As a matter of fact, it is.

JAMES: [sobs on Lily's shoulder] Darling! Our son has friends who read _Hogwarts, A History_! I've never been so disappointed in my life. Whatever shall we do? [perks up] On the plus side, we're in _Hogwarts, A History_!

LILY: [backs away from everybody] Uh, sorry, we have to go and live our lives now... We'll see you later... Maybe...

RON: [waves] Bye! Nice meeting you!

HARRY: Wait! Here are some last minute notes! Beware of a FRIEND who happens to look like a RAT and whose name starts with P and ends with ETER PETTIGREW!

JAMES: Huh?

_James, Lily, and the Director disappear._

_They reappear in the common room a few minutes after they initially left. Sirius greets them._

SIRIUS: (looking annoyed) So, did you three have a nice time in the future without me?

DIRECTOR: (guiltily) Damn, he guessed.

A/N: Sorry, this chapter was a little weird... it mostly focused on those "supernatural" fics... I guess there aren't THAT many of them, but I noticed Lily usually has the dream in regular fics. I dunno, I guess it's not THAT unlikely, but I hate the idea that people know their fate but can't do anything about it. Also, it really sucks, having to read the death scene over and over and over and over. And I guess maybe the Golden Trio is a little OOC, but Harry really was a bit of a whiny brat in the beginning of the 5th book... and I just don't like Ron.

I'm seeing PoA tomorrow! Wheee!


	8. So Father Christmas is Dead?

Yeah... Um... Okay... Death and getting run over by flobberworms isn't funny... I'm just trying to make a point... (or at least a stub...) Also, this chapter is dedicated to** TheBoredOneXIII **(I think that's you... sry if it isn't..) because she reminded me of the all-important mistletoe! I can't believe I almost forgot it... where would Christmas be without mistletoe?

Thank yous:

**ScaramoucheJay: **Thanks =) I fall into a lot of these traps myself... how else would I know about them?

**TheSiriusSparrow**

**Quack Quack 88**

**Christy Corr: **Yeah, I know! What is with that? Does Peter just give off evil vibes or something?

**Summer Rain of '89**

**Kiwaussi**

Disclaimer: See chapter 1. I actually don't think I've done a disclaimer in a while, but whatever.

Scene Twenty-One: **The Killing Spree**, Dumbledore's Office, The Next Day

_Dumbledore, looking very grave, is sitting in a beach chair in the middle of his office. (Password- Some Stupid Candy). Lily, James, Sirius, Remus, OC, OC2, Peter, and the Director are sitting on the floor, waiting expectantly._

DUMBLEDORE: My fellow countrymen--

OC2: I'm a transfer.

DUMBLEDORE: Whatever. We gather today to learn of very sad news and to comfort each other in various ways.

_Sirius snickers._

_The Director glares at Sirius._

_Sirius attempts to look serious._

JAMES: [scowls at the script] Not another Sirius pun! Seriously, those are getting SO old!

DIRECTOR: You can't have a serious L/J story without a Sirius pun. Or else it would be seriously deprived. Any serious author knows that. Because without it, the story would be too serious and readers would be seriously bored, not to mention seriously compelled to fall into serious depression.

DUMBLEDORE: [clears his throat loudly] AS I WAS SAYING, I regret to inform you that all your parents are dead. All except Peter's, because in the third book his mother gets a piece of his finger.

_All stare at Peter's hand._

SIRIUS: Was it the middle finger?

LILY: Did he just say our parents are dead?

DUMBLEDORE: (ecstatically) Someone listened to me! [Gets up and does a happy dance.]

_Sirius joins in the happy dance._

_The Director stops them._

DIRECTOR: (impatiently) Will you people stop and act sad already!

_James and Lily fall to the ground, bawling._

OC: I think I was, like, an orphan something.

DIRECTOR: [shrugs] Then you just got orphaned again.

OC: That, like, sucks.

SIRIUS: [waves his hand in the air] Excuse me! Do I have to act sad too? Cuz I don't really like my parents. And I don't really think they like me either.

REMUS: (under his breath) Who does?

DIRECTOR: I guess not. [glares sternly] But no happy dances either.

SIRIUS: Fine. [pouts sexily]

REMUS: So... how did they die anyway?

DUMBLEDORE: Voldemort. The usual.

OC2: (dubiously) And you expect us to believe that they _all _died at the very same time?

DIRECTOR: Um...they were all at a meeting of Project Graduation and they got ambushed?

JAMES: [sniffles] So everybody's Mummy and Daddy are dead?

DIRECTOR: Yeah, basically. Except, you know, the deatheater ones because their parents were doing the killing.

JAMES: Yay! Stupid Amos Diggory's parents are dead! Haha!

_Everyone arches an eyebrow, except Peter, who can't and raises both instead._

JAMES: (defensively) Well, I don't like him.

REMUS: [nods] Yup, he's jealous.

LILY: Are you _still _going on about that broom closet thing?

JAMES: I'm not jealous! I just don't like people touching my things.

SIRIUS: You let Lily touch your _things_.

REMUS: Amos Diggory touched your _things_?

DIRECTOR: I think he means Lily is his thing and Amos Diggory touched her.

LILY: I am not! He's _my_ thing! (to James) Aren't you?

JAMES: [scoffs] No.

SIRIUS: [coughs loudly] Whipped.

JAMES: I am not!

LILY: Are too.

JAMES: Are not... I mean, am not.

LILY: Are too.

JAMES: Am not.

LILY: Go get me food from the kitchen.

JAMES: Okay. [leaves]

LILY: Are too.

DUMBLEDORE: Hem hem!

_The Director eyes Dumbledore in a very threatening way._

DUMBLEDORE: I mean... what about the parents?

OC2: Oh yeah, them. I guess we have to find a new place to stay for the Christmas holiday.

REMUS: And collect our inheritances.

OC: And, like, be all depressed and withdrawn.

LILY: [pokes Director] You forgot that Petunia has to blame me for their deaths and make me cry.

DIRECTOR: Well, Petunia left. Her contract expired.

LILY: Oh. That's one more funeral to attend, then.

SIRIUS: YAY! I love funeral hopping!

Scene Twenty-Two: **Christmas, Part 1**, a Random Classroom, Christmas (Chapter titles are getting a bit obvious...)

_Lily and James are sitting back to back in a random classroom, blindfolded. After a while they finally wisen up and remove the blindfolds._

LILY AND JAMES: [turn around] YOU!

LILY AND JAMES: AHHH!

LILY: [glares at James] Potter, what did you do now?

DIRECTOR: [appears in a puff of smoke] He didn't do anything, actually. It was your so-called best friends. They locked you in this room for twenty-four hours. So you could, you know, get used to each other.

LILY: [sighs loudly] I should've expected something like this.

_Lily begins to stomp away to the opposite side of the room, but falls flat on her arse after a few steps._

LILY: What was that?

DIRECTOR: Oh yeah, they magically bound you two together. Or maybe you managed to do that all by yourselves

LILY: So _now _what do we do?

DIRECTOR: [shrugs] You could talk to each other and expose your deepest, darkest secrets.

JAMES: I thought we already did that.

DIRECTOR: I don't quite recall... I'm sure nobody else does, either.

JAMES: Okay then! So Lily, the reason I'm so mean and awful is because my little sister is a squib and she was dying of incurable cancer but then she never actually died from cancer because she got killed by some evil trolls.

LILY: So I'm supposed to feel sorry for you?

JAMES: Yeah.

LILY: Okay.

_There is a moment of silence._

LILY: Well, _my _little sister was beaten to death by our evil, alcoholic pet bear who then took out the family car and ran over our grandparents.

JAMES: Well, _my _grandparents got run over by flobberworms! So there!

LILY: Flobberworms can't run.

JAMES: Shut up.

LILY: Make me. [turns around with her back to James]

_James looks pleadingly at the Director._

_The Director hands James an owl._

_James ties a box to the owl's leg and taps Lily on the shoulder._

_Lily turns, scowling._

JAMES: [holds out the owl] Here. Happy Christmas.

LILY: You're giving me an owl for Christmas?

JAMES: No! You can't have Mr. Owl!

LILY: Well then, why are you handing him to me?

JAMES: Because he's delivering your Christmas present.

LILY: No, _you're _delivering my Christmas present because you're holding it.

JAMES: FINE! Mr. Owl, deliver the present.

_Mr. Owl flies three feet into the air and drops the small box into Lily's hands._

LILY: Thank you.

_Mr. Owl disappears in a puff of smoke._

_Lily opens the present._

LILY: Wow, James! It's beautiful! I'm so touched! Now if I could only get it off my finger!

DIRECTOR: (suspiciously) Er, James? Exactly what kind of necklace did you buy?

JAMES: (proudly) It's über-expensive silver with a diamond lily.

LILY: You dumbass, this is a diamond Devil's Snare.

JAMES: Pohtato, potahto.

_The Director glares at the props manager, who shivers and runs away._

LILY: So how do I get this thing off?

DIRECTOR: Uh... magic?

LILY: Good idea!

_Lily pulls out her wand and lights a small bonfire._

_The necklace melts._

JAMES: So. How exactly do we put this [points to the fire] out?

LILY: I dunno.

DIRECTOR: Well then, we might consider evacuating.

JAMES: We can't. The door's locked.

LILY: Alohamora.

_The door opens._

JAMES: You had your WAND the WHOLE TIME and you didn't TELL me?

LILY: [shrugs] You didn't ask.

JAMES: What IS this? Loving relationships are supposed to be based on TRUST!

LILY: Er, okay. I trust you not to snatch my wand and run away and lock the door, leaving me trapped in here.

_James snatches Lily's wand, runs away, and locks the door, leaving Lily trapped in there._

LILY: Oh well, whatever. This is why we have wandless magic!

_Lily and the Director disappear in puffs of smoke. Mr. Owl appears with a pail of water and puts the fire out._

Scene Twenty-Three: **Christmas, Part 2, **Gryffindor Common Room, Still Christmas

_James and Lily are sitting on the floor near the fire, surrounded by yellow ducky wrapping paper. They are alone._

JAMES: [burps loudly] Mmm. Thanks for the chocolate frogs, Lily!

LILY: Urg. Ew. Excuse you.

DIRECTOR: [clatters down the boys' staircase, waving a small green thing] Look what I found!

LILY: What?

DIRECTOR: Mistletoe! Now hold still!

_The Director conjures a wire and attaches the mistletoe to James' glasses._

DIRECTOR: (happily) There we go!

JAMES: [looks up] Yay?

LILY: So... now what?

DIRECTOR: You kiss him. Duh.

LILY: (stalling) What stupid person invented mistletoe? I would like to go and personally glare at him until he withers and dies.

JAMES: It was probably a she.

LILY: You stupid, sexist, chauvinist PIG!

JAMES: Oink.

LILY: That's IT! I'm LEAVING! AGAIN!

DIRECTOR: Sorry. It's _magical _mistletoe. You can't leave without a kiss.

LILY: Why not?

DIRECTOR: Because the viewers want their action!

LILY: Well why can't they go watch OC and OC2 for action? [mutters under her breath] Sluts.

DIRECTOR: Because they want YOU!

LILY: (looking flattered) Well... now that you put it _that _way, I think I could give him just a little peck...

_James and Lily snog._

_The Director turns on the happy sigh track._

LILY: [jumps back] EW! You LICKED me!

JAMES: That's what you DO when you snog!

LILY: No, it's not!

JAMES: Yes it is!

LILY: No it's not!

JAMES: Yes it is!

LILY: Is not!

JAMES: Is too!

LILY: Is not!

JAMES: Is too!

_The Director turns off the happy sigh track._

_Sirius runs into the common room, wearing only pretty bunny boxers._

SIRIUS: [glares threateningly from Lily to James and back again] All right! The jig's up! Which one of you took my present from Father Christmas??

LILY: Er... what present?

SIRIUS: MY present! I get one every year! And now I don't have one! [cries]

JAMES: Uh Padfoot... you do know that Father Christmas isn't a real person... right?

SIRIUS: Yes he is! He gives me a present every single year! Last year it was a giant chocolate kneazle! I'll show you- I still have almost half left!

_Sirius starts to run up the boys' staircase. James stops him._

JAMES: Wait! Sirius, that chocolate kneazle was from my parents... I thought you knew that...

SIRIUS: It was not! It was signed, "Love, Father Christmas!"

JAMES: (exasperated) Yes, it was! I saw it in Mum's closet when I was looking for... [pauses] Well, never mind what I was looking for...

SIRIUS: You're lying! Maybe it was a _different _giant chocolate kneazle.

JAMES: Sirius. There. Is. No. Father. Christmas.

SIRIUS: Then why did he give me presents?!?

JAMES: Because my PARENTS were PRETENDING to be Father Christmas! And guess what? My PARENTS are DEAD! So they're not getting you presents anymore! So you don't get presents from Father Christmas anymore!

SIRIUS: (with a quivering lower lip) So... Father Christmas is... dead?

JAMES: [groans] I guess you could put it that way.

SIRIUS: (in a small voice) Oh.

_Sirius goes up the boys' staircase, sniffling._

_There is a moment of silence._

JAMES: I feel kind of guilty now.

LILY: Me too.

JAMES: Do you think maybe Dumbledore feels like playing Father Christmas for a while? As in, the rest of Sirius' life?

DIRECTOR: You do realize that if he does, Sirius will recover immediately and run around the entire castle screaming "I TOLD YOU SO"?

JAMES: Oh yeah.

LILY: But maybe friendship is more important than peace of mind.

_James and Lily stare at each other._

JAMES AND LILY: Nahhhh.....

**A/N**: Wow. This came out long. Kinda because at first I had no idea what to do for Christmas so I totally dragged out what I _could _think of... and then Sirius came along and that took quite a while... I'm sorry if I burst anyone's bubble!

Also, question- do people still call it Father Christmas in the UK? Or do they call him Santa Claus? Anyone?

By the way, I saw PoA recently... I was quite appalled by the wandless magic... Not to mention the summer magic... after all that lovely expulsion shiz, _somebody _could've added that Harry shouldn't have been using the lumos spell either. Or is underage magic just the big stuff like blowing people up and Patronuses (Patroni?)?

Plus, they had like nothing about MWPP. The stuff about James and Lily was cute, although that _wasn't _Harry's Patronus. :sighs:

And... I'm going on vacation- leaving on Friday. So I won't be updating for a while, not that I'd update anyway, because chapter 9 is nowhere near done and all the other chapters were actually pre-written. So... yeah...


	9. Climax, Literally

**A/N:** Hi. I'm sorry I haven't updated for a long time, but I doubt it makes a difference anyway. I did have a legitimate excuse for half the summer, but then for the rest I was just being lazy. So, sorry. Also, sorry about the lack of reviewer-thanks(es?). It's been so long that I've forgotten who reviewed. I don't even know when I'm going to post this, because if you post at night the actual fic shows up at midnight and then nobody sees it the next morning because all the stories that were posted at midnight show up in the morning. (Does that make sense?) I can't post at any time other than at night, because I'm grounded indefinitely and I only have internet access for two hours every night. Yeah, it's dumb.

Scene Twenty-Four: **Preparation**, 7th Year Girls' Dorm, New Year's Eve

_Lily, OC, and OC2 are primping in the dormitory._

LILY: This is so incredibly boring.

OC2: Yeah. Why don't we just use a charm and get it over with?

OC: Like, yeah! I'll do it! [waves wand] Go.... Beautifulness!

_Nothing happens._

LILY: That was even worse than James' supposed Slytherin-clearing spell. What was it? 'Clearus Slytherinus' or something like that?

DIRECTOR: Well, at least James' _sounded _Latin.

OC: [pouts] Well, we, like, don't know, like, Latin.

DIRECTOR: (sarcastically) Then how about some gibberish? That always works.

LILY: [waves wand] Tooblymookierux!

_Everyone's makeup is suddenly perfectly done, complete with a little added plastic surgery. The girls cheer._

DIRECTOR: [reads off the script] Lily was wearing a gorgeous green gown that exactly matched the color of her eyes. It was also very short, but, of course, not slutty. Her lovely auburn hair was arranged in soft ringlets framing her pale face and her very high cheekbones. Her very high heels matched her dress and she looked stunning.

LILY: [curtsies] Why, thank you!

OC2: What about us?

DIRECTOR: [yawns] I'm too tired to read it, but it's pretty much the same thing.

LILY: Wait... I thought this was a masked ball?

DIRECTOR: Oh yeah! [Hands out masks.] By the way, don't forget your nametags.

OC2: Why do we need nametags if it's a masked ball?

DIRECTOR: [snorts] You honestly think the boys will be smart enough to find you without 'em?

LILY: But it's supposed to be fate! You know, [draws finger quotes] 'star-crossed lovers'?

DIRECTOR: Uh... yeah...but the male race has significantly gone downhill since then. You wouldn't want those poor Marauders to leave with gorgeous, evil Slytherin girls, would you?

OC: Like, no way! Hurry up, let's go!

Scene Twenty-Five: **The Ball**, Great Hall, later on New Year's Eve

_The Great Hall is lovely and decorated and students are milling around in masks. Of course James and Lily were in charge of all the decorations, but they are so wonderfully talented that they simply waved their wands and everything was done in five minutes. Then they went off to snog._

_James, Sirius, and Remus walk in, all looking very delectable and yummy and wearing Muggle tuxes. Peter looks fat and ugly, but he is also wearing a tux._

SIRIUS: [Points] Look! Food! [Runs over to the food table]

REMUS: [Points] Look! OC2! [Runs in the opposite direction]

PETER: W..Why are we wearing these things again? I can't breathe!

JAMES: (patiently) Because it's a ball with Muggle clothing because dresses are so much more interesting than robes.

PETER: Oh. Okay. I'm going to go A. lurk in a dark corner and spike the drinks or B. dance with my totally desperate girlfriend from Hufflepuff.

JAMES: Okay. Bye! [waves]

_James stands by himself, looking around at all the dancers._

JAMES: [Points] Ooh! Look! I think that's Lily!

_The camera zooms in on Lily, who has a glowing sign above her head that reads "Hello, my name is: Lily Evans."_

JAMES: [Runs over] Lillllllllllllly!

LILY: (Angrily) Shhh! You're not supposed to KNOW it's me! You're supposed to pretend that I'm just a beautiful stranger you can't take your eyes off of!

JAMES: [Blinks] Okay. Wanna dance?

_They head to the middle of the floor._

_The Director pushes a button on the tape player._

REMUS: Whoa! Whoa! Wait! Electronic devices _so _do not work in Hogwarts! It says so in _Hogwarts, A History_!

DIRECTOR: Yeah, well, guess what? I bought the Headmaster a giant bag of four-hundred lemon drops, and he really likes lemon drops. And he can specially enchant electronic devices to work within these walls. So there!

REMUS: Oh.

OC2: _There _you are, Remy! I bet you can't guess who I am despite the flashing sign above my head!

_Remus groans._

_Everyone gets into slow dance position._

__

_I love you._

_You love me._

_We're a happy family._

_With a great big hug-_

DIRECTOR: [pushes the pause button] Sirius, don't even _think_ about it.

SIRIUS: (Innocently) Think about what?

_With a great big hug,_

_And a kiss from me to you-_

JAMES AND LILY: Mwah!

_Won't you say you love me too?_

__

JAMES: I love you too!

LILY: But I never said I loved you in the first place.

JAMES: So?

LILY: So... you can't love me too if I don't love you first.

JAMES: Well, don't you? Come on, everybody loves me!

LILY: (Snootily) Well, if everybody jumped off the Astronomy Tower, I certainly wouldn't.

JAMES: That's just because you already have.

DIRECTOR: [Taps her foot] Can we got on with it? The Yule Ball rewrite people are anxiously waiting for the space.

LILY: Okay. Fine! I love you.

JAMES: Yay! I love you too, let's go shag!

Scene Twenty-Six: **The Shag**, Mysterious Secret Room, Very Late on New Year's Eve

_The Mysterious Secret Room is decorated in _all _red and gold, including the toothbrushes and the gold-foil-wrapped condoms. James and Lily stand in the middle of the room, looking around._

LILY: So where is this?

JAMES: (Proudly) THIS is the bedroom of Godric Gryffindor himself.

LILY: (Incredulously) How the hell did YOU get into Godric Gryffindor's bedroom?

JAMES: [Puffs out his chest] _I _just happen to be his heir!

LILY: But your last name isn't Gryffindor.

JAMES: Uh, no, because that would be really obvious! Hey, you wanna see the bedpost?

LILY:.... The shag-count bedpost?

JAMES: Yeah. It actually takes up a whole wall!

_They stand before the wall, which has long columns of notches._

LILY: Wow. It looks like Godric Gryffindor was a really good, chaste, honorable, respectful guy! I'm proud to have _him _as my house-founder!

JAMES: Well, it's not like there were many people in the world back then. Most of them were Muggles, anyway.

LILY: Oh. [squints at the wall] Hey, I think you're winning! You jerk!

JAMES: (Innocently) What? I can't help it if I'm irresistible!

LILY: Grrrrrrrrrr......

JAMES: Uh... I mean... this time it's totally different. Yeah. Totally, _completely _different. You're the only girl I've ever brought into this place, because I really love you and I know I can trust you. In fact, guess what? Only people I really love are even _allowed _to get through the door! Otherwise, they, uh, can't get through the door!

LILY: [Squeals] Awwwww! That's so _sweet! _I feel so _special _now!

_The door shuts, and the camera switches to the hallway just outside, where the Director and Company are standing._

SIRIUS: (singsong) Le-mon, le-mon, lemony lemony lemonnnnnnnnn!

REMUS: Why do they call them lemons, anyway? They should call them-

SIRIUS: BANANAS!

**Hm.** Hope you liked, and please review. There are only two chapters to go!


	10. The Voldemort Quota

**Hey.** Once again, sorry. (Why am I always apologizing? Does every chapter include an apology? Am I really that slow? o.0) Um, yeah.

Thanks to:

**Quack Quack 88**

**The Actress**

**MissCorker**- Haha, sorry about the potty mouth. I just thought Harry complained an awful lot in Ootp...

**KLLRS**

**Stargirl1439**

Scene Twenty-Seven: **Narrow Escape #1**, Deserted Corridor, Sometime Later

_James and Lily are standing in a creepy deserted corridor, all alone._

LILY: (sarcastically) Yay. Look. Creepy deserted corridor. I wonder what happens now.

JAMES: (doubtfully) I dunno... This doesn't look like _such _a great place for a snogging session. I mean, it's a bit... damp.

_Suddenly, they are ambushed by lots and lots of Death Eaters who appear out of nowhere (but do not Apparate.)_

BELLATRIX: Muahaha! We've got you now!

LILY: (panicking) James! Save me!

JAMES: [Runs away from Lucius Malfoy] Hold on, darling! I'm working on it!

SNAPE: (annoyed) Oh, stop worrying. We're not actually going to _do _anything. This is just a preliminary chat.

JAMES: [points to the script heading] But it _says _'Narrow Escape!'

SNAPE: Well, as long as it's an _escape_, what's the problem? And you _do _have to escape because we _have_ captured you, correct?

JAMES: [Pauses] Oh. Fine, then.

_The Death Eaters handcuff Lily and James to the wall._

LILY: This. Is. Sick.

SNAPE: [Sneers] Get over youself, Evans. You really think I want you? You really think that's why I have an eternal grudge against James and all his progeny? Puh-_lease_.

JAMES: Hey!

_He is interrupted when a floating head appears in the wall before them. It resembles the Chamber of Secrets Tom Riddle, but older and scarier-looking._

VOLDEMORT: [Cackles] Hello, my pretties.

SNAPE: See? _He _may want you, but I certainly don't.

JAMES: (suspiciously to Lily) Is that him? He doesn't look quite evil enough.

VOLDEMORT: I am too evil!

JAMES: Prove it!

VOLDEMORT: Not _yet. _First I have to _explain_ why I hate you.

LILY: Okay, but make it quick. We have a food fight to attend in fifteen minutes.

VOLEMORT: Okay. So here's the basic rundown. I obviously do not like you, Lily Evans, because you are a Mudblood.

_All gasp._

JAMES: You said a bad word! I'm telling on you! Professor Dumbldorrreee! He said a bad word!

DUMBLEDORE: [appears in a puff of smoke] Really, Mr. Riddle! I'm disappointed in you! No desert for you tonight! [Snickers]

VOLDEMORT: [glares evilly] You just wait, Dumbledore. I'll get you...

DUMBLEDORE: No you won't! I'm the only person you ever really feared! Nyah nyah!

_Dumbledore disappears. Voldemort sulks._

VOLDEMORT: So. Anyway. I don't like Lily because she's a _Muggleborn_, and I don't like Potter because his family is far too goody-goody and happy, not to mention the whole Gryffindor-heir thing. I don't like the two of them together because the bloody prophecy has already been made, and call me crazy, but I don't like teh idea of my demise.

JAMES: Crazy!

VOLDEMORT: (ignoring James) Last but not least, I want to harness all those special powers of yours and use them for my own means.

LILY: Okay. Fine. Can we go now?

VOLDEMORT: (appearing distracted) Nagani, watch-- Ow! No! That was my _leg_, you stupid snake! [turns back to James and Lily] Fine! Meet me in the Forbidden Forest tomorrow at midnight. Don't be late, or you'll be sorry!

JAMES: (sarcastically) As opposed to what, dead?

Scene Twenty-Eight: **Narrow Escape #2**, Forbidden Forest, Midnight

_James and Lily are standing in a small clearing, looking around._

VOLDEMORT: (wearing a mask) [Jumps out from behind a tree] Boo!

LILY AND JAMES: Ahhhh!

VOLDEMORT: [Takes off his mask] Haha! Got you! It's only me!

LILY AND JAMES: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

VOLDEMORT: Humph.

_The Death Eaters slowly begin to appear, most Apparating into the clearing._

SNAPE: Ow! Lucius! That was my _foot_!

MALFOY: (slurring) Sorry, man. [Hiccups] Wow, I am _sloshed_.

BELLATRIX: [Holds out a plastic baggie] Hey Lucius, want some of this? It goes really good with alcohol.

SNAPE: (Muttering) Well.

BELLATRIX: What?

SNAPE: Well. It goes _well _with alcohol.

BELLATRIX: [stares at Snape] Dude. Now I can see why nobody likes you. [Gives Snape the finger]

_Snape sits in a corner of the clearing and sulks._

VOLDEMORT: [Claps his hands] Okay! Okay! Settle down, everyone! Today is a beau-tiful day and we should start it off by singing the Evil Song!

LUCIUS: [waves a hand in the air] Master! Master! I have to use the looooooooo!

VOLDEMORT: [groans] Fine! Go! [Turns back to the other Death Eaters] Okay, ready? 1... 2... 3...

ALL: Everywhere we go-o,

Muggles want to know-ow

Who we are-e

Before we kill them,

And we say-y

We are the Death Eaters

The evil, evil, Death Eaters

VOLDEMORT: Sound off!

ALL: We are!

VOLDEMORT: Sound off!

ALL: Ee-vil!

VOLDEMORT: Bring it on down-

ALL: WE ARE EVIL, WE ARE [pause] EE-VIL!

_Everybody claps._

_There is a moment of silence._

LILY: Okay. Now what?

VOLDEMORT: Torture! Let's see, I think I'll do the Mudblood first so Potter can save her dramatically and prove his undying love... now where did I put that wand?..... Ah ha!

_Voldemort pulls a wand from his special-totally-not-Muggle-combat-boots._

VOLDEMORT: [Points the wand at Lily] Crucio!

_The wand makes a sputtering noise and generates quite a lot of feet-smelling smoke._

VOLDEMORT: [Glares at the wand] It must've gotten wet on the way here.... [glares at Peter] Wormtail! You gave me directions that went through a PUDDLE!

_Peter cowers._

JAMES: [looks around] Wormtail? Where? Is HE going to save us? Wow, I never knew Wormtail was capable of saving anybody....

SNAPE: [grovels forward] Master, [kisses Voldemort's robes], he [ditto] wasn't [ditto] supposed [ditto] to [ditto] know [ditto] about [ditto] that [ditto] yet! [ditto]

VOLDEMORT: Oh. [looks down] Ugh, there's slime on my robes....

_James points and laughs._

VOLDEMORT: [glares] Shut up, you! Obliviate!

_The wand spurts out some more smoke._

VOLDEMORT: Grr... Just- Just- Potter, you just didn't hear that, okay?

JAMES: (genuinely) Hear what?

VOLDEMORT: Good. Now. Torture.

MALFOY: Oooh! I _like _torture!

LILY: (helpfully) If you want, I can just _pretend _I'm being tortured. You know, since your wand isn't working.

VOLDEMORT: Okay! [Picks up a stick from the ground and points it at Lily] Crucio!

LILY: (sarcastically) Ahh. The pain. The pain. I don't know how much longer I can stand it.

JAMES: (panicking) Noooo! I'll save you, Lily! [Runs at Voldemort] [Trips in a hole]

_Snape happily pats his trusty shovel._

JAMES: Ow.

_The Director shakes her head._

_Suddenly, a long howl fills the night air._

LILY: That sounds remarkably like a werewolf.

JAMES: Wait... It's not full moon... Since when is it full moon?

_The Director hastily tapes a large white circle of construction paper to the backdrop._

JAMES: Ahhh! It's full moon! Must save Lily from the werewolf!

PETER: I am SO out of here. [transforms and runs away]

_Remus-werewolf runs into the clearing._

EVERYBODY: AHHHH!

MALFOY: Oooh, pretty wolf! Let's pet the wolf! I wonder if it's fuzzy....

JAMES: Lil! I'll transform and you'll climb on my back and we'll run away, okay?

LILY: And leave all these evil people who want to kill us to the wrath of a WEREWOLF? What kind of Gryffindor are you?

DIRECTOR: [mutters] The smart kind.

JAMES: Fine! Then I'll chase the werewolf away! [Runs in front of the werewolf] Hey Moony! Let's play follow the leader!

_Remus-werewolf growls._

JAMES: Okay, ready? Here we goooo! [Runs into the forest]

_Remus-werewolf chases James._

_James transforms._

_Remus-werewolf looks confused, but continues to chase anyway._

LILY: Okay. Can I leave now?

VOLDEMORT: (shaking) Ahh... werewolf... scary werewolf.... [twiches]

MALFOY: (sadly) The pretty wolf went bye-bye. [waves] Bye-bye wolf!

LILY: Oh-kay... I guess we're done here, then... Bye guys!

SNAPE: Don't call us, we'll call you.

Scene Twenty-Nine: **Narrow Escape #3**, Great Hall, Breakfast, a Week Later

_All the students and teachers are eating breakfast. Suddenly, the doors bang open._

_Voldemort is standing in the hallway looking very threatening, while his masked Death Eaters stand in a triangle formation behind him (like bowling pins.) Several Slytherins jump up and run to their places in the triangle._

STUDENTS: Eeeek! Voldemort! [Run in all directions]

VOLDEMORT: [cackles] Yes! Chaos! Cha-os!

LILY: [pokes Dumbledore] Excuse me Headmaster, but why is he here AGAIN? For the third time? Can we arrest him for stalking?

DUMBLEDORE: [recites in a loud, sensational voice] The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches! Born to those who have thrice defied him- (in a normal voice) See? Thrice! That means three times. (in the loud voice) Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not! [pauses] (in a normal voice) Yeah, I'm not allowed to tell you the rest. (quickly and mechanically) All rights and trademarks of Sybil Trelawney. All subjects of prophecies must be 16 years or older. Void where prohibited, No purchase necessary, Enter and DIE!

_There is a long, reflective pause._

SIRIUS: Er.. what does 'vanquish' mean?

VOLDEMORT: I'll show you what vanquish means! [points wand at Sirius] Avada-

BELLTRIX: [shoves Voldemort out of the way] Hey! That one's mine!

VOLDEMORT: Hey!

_The curse deflects crazily all around the Hall. James and Lily walk up walls and just barely miss the green light, even though they could've done so much better just by ducking. The curse finally hits the sleeping Fat Friar, who shivers and sighs, then returns to his nap._

VOLDEMORT: [blinks] Hey, that was COOL! Let's try it again! [aims at the wall] Avada Kedavra!

DEATH EATERS: Cool! [Follow the example]

_Many jets of green light bounce around the Hall, which has been dimmed to enhance the laser-tag effect._

_After a few minutes, one curse narrowly misses the cackling Voldemort._

VOLDEMORT: Eek! This place is dangerous! Come on men, we've done our work here!

BELLATRIX: [mutters] And women...

_The Death Eaters leave._

_Dumbledore, Lily, and James walk around, assessing the damage._

LILY: Aww... look at this poor little dead cat. [sobs]

JAMES: Wow, it looks like they took out quite a lot of Hufflepuffs. [pauses] What a pity.

DUMBLEDORE: Oops, here's Professor Flitwick... that wasn't supposed to happen. [performs super-powerful resurrection spell] There we go!

FLITWICK: [squeakily] Thank you Albus!

JAMES: (from the Gryffindor table) Headmaster! I think they got OC! Should we bring her back?

DUMBLEDORE: (incredulously) Why the hell would we do that?

SIRIUS: (wailing) BUt now I don't have anyone to sha-ag! And I'm lone-ly!

DIRECTOR: (perkily) I'll shag you!

SIRIUS: [pouts] No.

DIRECTOR: Why not?

SIRIUS: 'Cos you're not hot enough.

DIRECTOR: [glares] WHAT?

SIRIUS: Er... I mean....

DIRECTOR: (evilly) Oh... you are SO going to pay for that. You just wait....

SIRIUS: Hey Pete, can I borrow your lucky piece of cheese? Pleasssse?

PETER: [considers] Well.... as long as you don't nibble it....

**Review!**


	11. Fluffily Ever After

**A/N: **Wow! Finally done! This is... like... the second thing I've ever finished. And I'm really getting a little sick of it (hence the lack of actual diploma handing/graduation dance/happiness), so that's GOOD. Thanks to EVERYONE who reviewed!

Also, GR. There are no longer brackets in this thing, so I have gone through quickedit and put in parenthesis for actions as well as descriptions. Whatever. Sorry if I missed anything.

And thanks to these ppl for reviewing the last chapter:

**Stargirl1439**- Is this soon? Probably not... Sorry... AP US History does tend to do that to people.

**KLLRS**- Lol, I've never had maple fudge... I think I've had white chocolate though... that was okay...

**pasmosa**

**Summer Rain of '89**

**Silencili**

**Christy Corr-**Thanks for the super long review and for always asking me how this is going... it really makes me feel guilty enough to continue!

**Red-Devil 15**

**ScaramoucheJay**

Scene Thirty: **Balloon Arch**, Great Hall, Post-Dinner, June

_Lily and James are standing alone in the middle of the Great Hall. They are surrounded by boxes of various decorations. They are staring at the wire frame for a balloon arch._

LILY: Uh... What colors are we supposed to use for the balloon arch?

JAMES: Let's use... (this is off the top of my head here)... red and gold!

LILY: (Squints at the script) Is it possible to talk in parentheses?

JAMES: (Firmly) Yes.

LILY: Okay. But we can't use red and gold.

JAMES: Why not?

LILY: Because that would be showing bias to a particular house, which we, as Head Students, are not allowed to do. It was also look really bad because we would be favoring our _own _house.

JAMES: Oh. (pauses) Then why don't we use green and silver?

LILY: But that would still be showing bias, only to another house. (mutters) A lowly, despicable, cheating, evil, very annoying house at that...

JAMES: Then let's combine them! We'll use red, gold, green, AND silver!

LILY: But what about Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw?

JAMES: (shrugs) I don't know what their house colors are. Do you?

LILY: (in deep thought) Um... I think... blue, probably. And.. .maybe yellow? But we already have gold... Isn't there a purple in there somewhere?

JAMES: Why don't we just make it RAINBOW?

LILY: Uh...

JAMES: It makes perfect sense! See- red, orange, yellow, green, blue, whateverthatothercoloris, and purple! That covers colors from ALL the houses!

LILY: (sighs loudly) Fineee. Okay. We'll do a rainbow.

JAMES: Yay! Hm.. do you think we should do a repeating pattern or just a few reds and a few oranges and so on?

LILY: (wearily) Whatever.

Scene Thirty-One: **Free Cake**, Backstage in the Great Hall, Just Before the Graduation Ceremony

_Lily and James are wandering around backstage in their special graduation robes. The rest of their year is sitting in metal folding chairs on the stage. Lily is busy studying her speech._

LILY: (hyperventilating) Ahhh! I'm going to mess up!

JAMES: Aw, don't worry sweetie-pie...

LILY: ... sweetie-pie?

JAMES: Yes. I'm setting the scene.

LILY: (suspiciously) What kind of scene? Is it a lovey-dovey scene?

JAMES: (loudly) Shhhh! You'll ruin the surprise!

LILY: (grumpily) Too bad. I don't like surprises. _Especially _not lovey-dovey surprises.

JAMES: But everybody likes lovey-dovey surprises... (sends the Director a pleading look)

_The Director sneaks up wearing James' invisibility cloak and spray magical fluffiness spray on Lily. The spray blooms out in a great cloud of fluff._

LILY: (pokes fluff) Ewww! This stuff is sticky! (The fluff takes effect) Aww... but it's so pretty! And it smells so good! (Sniffs deeply)

DIRECTOR: (reading aloud from the back of the fluff spray can) WARNING: INTENTIONAL MISUSE BY DELIBERATELY CONCENTRATING AND INHALING THE CONTENTS CAN BE HARMFUL OR FATAL. Hm. Oh well! (Tosses can over shoulder)

_Sirius catches the can and grins mischievously, then runs off._

DUMBLEDORE: (from offstage... or rather onstage, but he can't be seen because James and Lily are _backstage_) First, I am proud to introduce the Head Boy and Head Girl of this graduating class- James Potter and Lily Evans!

_The parents in the Great Hall clap._

_James and Lily walk onto the stage and stand together at a podium._

_Lily clears her throat and looks down at her parchment._

JAMES: Wait! Wait! First I have to do something! (grandly lowers himself to one knee despite tight graduation robes and pulls out a little velvet box.)

_The Director hastily pushes the fast-forward button._

_Lots of garbled speaking and lightning-speed gesturing ensues._

_Lily happily takes the ring (from the box.)_

DIRECTOR: Oh! (hastily pushes a button) Shiz, no, that was the stop button... where's the play?

_The scene goes black for a few minutes, then finally warms up as Lily and James are standing at the podium again, holding hands and smiling happily._

DIRECTOR: No! I wanted to see that! (pushes rewind button) Okay... STOP! (pushes button)

_Several cartoonish, round, multi-colored things bounce happily across the screen, making strange singing/humming noises._

DIRECTOR: No!!! (pushes TV/Video button) (pushes play button)

_Everyone disappears, while Lily and James put up balloons along the balloon arch._

DIRECTOR: (with forced calm) Okay. I can do this. (waves wand) Revertus to Lily's Acceptance-us!

_Everyone comes back and Lily accepts the ring._

LILY: Yay! I'm so happy! I totally have stars in my eyes!! This is the happiest day of my life!

JAMES: Gooooood. (smiles)

ALL: Awwwwwwwwwwwww!

_Remus gags._

_Peter glares jealously and makes a pudgy fist._

_Lily and James return to the podium, and James begins the speech._

JAMES: Hello, parents, students, Professors, siblings, and Sorting Hats. We gather here today to celebrate the graduation of all these young men and women before you.

_The Director gives a happy thumbs-up._

JAMES: (continuing) We've all come through a lot- come _on, _people! We suffered through SEVEN YEARS of History of Magic! I mean, MERLIN, that has got to be the most BORING class EVER! you want to know what we did all those years? Just look under the desks- we've got this fantastic gum basé relief and-

_The Director and Dumbledore both get a bit squinty-eyed._

JAMES: (noticing the glares) Er... anyway... I mean- Uh. Okay... Yeah, we all grew up and went through puberty- mostly between, like, 4th and 5th year, 'cos Sirius and I came back and we were like WHOA, Hogwarts got hot! And-

LILY: (hastily) What he means is, everyone here has changed and matured mutters for the most part. (Normal tone) We would never have done it without the help of our supportive parents and our wonderful professors-

JAMES: And the key to the teachers' lounge!

SIRIUS: (whining) Jam-mie! You gave it away!

LILY: -And we'd just like to thank you all-

JAMES: -And invite you all to our wedding. There'll be free cake!

_The audience claps._

Scene Thirty-Two: **Curtain Call**, Random place, Random time

_The whole cast stands around, looking confused and holding bits of flowers and stuffed animals._

JAMES: Thirty-two is a bit of an odd number, isn't it?

REMUS: No, actually, it's an even number.

LILY: Riigggght.

OC: Hey, like, where were WE in this chapter?

DIRECTOR: Uh, like, YOU, were, like, DEAD.

OC: Oh. Yeah.

OC2: Where was _I _in this chapter, then?

DIRECTOR: (shrugs) Trying to get Remus to marry you?

REMUS: (very patiently) I can't marry you. I'm a werewolf. Plus I wouldn't be lonely if I married you.

LUCIUS: (impatiently) What are we doing here anyway? Quick, before I blast your heads off!

NARCISSA: (holds up decapitated stuffed bunny) Like THIS! (cries)

DIRECTOR: Um. Yeah. So I'd just like to say... good job?

SNAPE: (barges in) ALL RIGHT. WHO STOLE MY TUTU?

BELLATRIX: (smirks) Come and get it, you sexy slime-boy...

_Everyone backs away._

DIRECTOR: So ANYWAY, (we say that a lot, don't we?), I think we all pulled through... pretty much intact-

_The Hufflepuffs glare._

DIRECTOR: And I'd just like to thank you all with a little party-

EVERYONE: Yeahhhhhhh!

_Sirius whips out the fluffiness can, shakes it vigorously in celebration, and SPRAYS, covering everyone._

EVERYONE: Yayyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!! We LOVED this show!!!!!!!!! We LOVE each other!!!!!!!

DIRECTOR: Wheeee! I LOVE you all! GROUP HUG!!!

_Group Hug._

**Fade Out.**

**Little White Words:**

And they all lived happily ever after, and the show made lots of money even though the critics thought it was strange. Except everything eventually got unhappy what with Lily and James getting dead, Peter getting fat, Sirius getting offed (by direction of the Director, who never did forget that "not-hot" insult), and Remus getting old. But other than that, it was a huge success!

The End.


End file.
